Like most people my age, I have what, by many definitions, could probably be considered an unhealthy relationship with my cell phone. I keep it tethered at a scary-close range to my body at all times–either clamped in my tight, clammy grip or placed in an easily-grabbable place in my purse if I’m trying to be “polite”–and go through brief-but-palpable spasms of anxiety if it is not easily accessible to me for about, say, five minutes. It is a real problem, not only because of this borderline-addictive behavior, but because it implies that, if/when the time for me to have children ever comes, I will most likely be one of those “Leash Moms” who maintains a firm hold on her children by keeping them on those leashes disguised as backpacks.
I’m sure you can relate. But I am not here today to talk about the Leash Children! I am here today, instead, to discuss phone cases. For all of us who have a, shall we say, obsessive relationship with our phones, a phone case is almost as important as the phone itself, since it’s used to represent the personality of the user while protecting the phone. After all, we can’t all pull off the ultimate cell phone power move–which is bare-backing an iPhone 6 Plus, à la Kylie Jenner–and so we must rely on a certain smattering of Otter Boxes and Speck cases to keep them intact. There are some phone cases out there, however, that just…don’t make sense. At all. In fact, much like backpack-leashes for children, you should probably never buy them. I mean, you can, if you, want, but you’ll probably get some weird looks:
1. Let everyone know where your values lie:
2. Are you “best?” Or are you simply “buds?”
3. When you’re a very sexy baby and you don’t care who knows:
4. This phone case can be yours for a mere $95:
5. Wanna take your furry nails to the next level? All you need is this furry case:
6. Technically inconvenient. Vaguely xenophobic. The perfect phone case!
8. Ah, yes:
9. When you want other people to think your phone is a snack:
10. When you want everyone who sees your phone to think, “Should I tell that girl she has boogers on her phone?”
11. Bear? Is that you?
What do you think of these phone cases? Would you ever buy any of them? Let us know in the comments!