We’ve been trying to keep up with the Kardashians for nine years now, and I personally think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. It’s almost disappointing that they can’t do anything any more that will shock me. The family is infamous for fighting among themselves, saying ridiculous things, and, of course, taking an infinite number of selfies. What else is new? Kim’s cleavage? Seen it a million times. Kylie’s lips? Old news. Kris’s 14-years-younger boyfriend? If Kris hadn’t become a cougar it would have been more surprising. One thing that wasn’t surprising? When Kim and Kanye West started dating. As soon as these two got together, it was like the whole world sighed and said, “Obviously. Of course they would be together.”
It seems obvious that these two would get married and have kids not because they’re both super famous – it’s because they’re both self-absorbed and seem completely out of touch with reality. Although it wasn’t surprising, I was very disappointed when Scott and Kourtney broke up. Lord Disick brought a certain fresh sense of perspective to the family (often in the form of swear words and drunken insults, but fresh nonetheless) that I will miss. In the wake of Scott’s departure, I’d like to look to another outside member of the Kardashian family to fill his over-confident shoes. Unfortunately, the only outside member that hasn’t burned his Kardashian-family bridge (yet) is Kanye – and I hardly consider Kanye part of the family. Why? Because Kim and Kanye are actually a terrible couple.
I know a lot of people like to view them as #RelationshipGoals and fangirl over photos of them together, but I don’t. Kim and Kanye might be perfect together, but they’re certainly not perfect in general. Here are 10 reasons they are actually the worst couple:
1. The Kardashians don’t need to add another “K” to their klan.
Count ’em: Kris, Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall, Kylie. That’s six. Six! Can’t they get a little more creative and add another letter of the alphabet?
2. How can they love each other more than they love themselves?
Kim and Kanye are notoriously self-centered. Kim has published an actual book of her selfies. Kanye makes claims left and right about being the best artist in the music industry. When they’re so focused on themselves, there’s no way they have the time and energy and dedicate to each other that a successful relationship requires.
3. They named their daughter “North”
Naming your child after a geographic direction may not necessarily spell “disaster” for your marriage, but it does make me question your judgment. And two people who thought a compass was good inspiration for the name of their first child may not have the best decision-making skills—in life or in relationships.
4. Is their relationship even real?
There are rumors that the romance between Kim and Kanye is as fake as Kylie’s lips. Celebrities have been known to couple up for reasons less honorable than true love—typically for publicity or to hide the fact that one or both members of the couple is gay. It’s hypothesized that Kim and Kanye got together in attempt to be the next best “power couple” (dream on, Beyonce and Jay Z have that ish on lock), or because Kanye wants to hide the fact that he’s into men.
5. Third time isn’t actually a charm.
I don’t actually remember Kim’s marriage to Damon Thomas (who?) for four years in the early 2000s, but how can we forget her short-lived nuptials with Kris Humphries? First of all, marrying someone whose name is pronounced and spelled exactly the same as your mother’s had to be weird, and Kim and Kris’s 72-day marriage was likely even more of a publicity stunt than Kim and Kanye’s. Regardless of why your first two marriages failed, Kim, honey, relying on luck to make this third marriage last is a risky endeavour.
6. Can Kanye actually keep up with the Kardashians?
I’m not saying the Kardashians are kursed…but every man that has joined the family has left it, from Kris’s significant other down to Kylie’s (bye, Tyga!). What makes Kanye think he’ll do any better than Scott Disick or Lamar Odom?
7. They’re both maniacs on social media.
Unsurprisingly, Kim’s Instagram is a manifesto of narcissism (yet the comments she receives from fans are more heartfelt than any love letter I’ve ever gotten). If you haven’t heard about the recent Kanye x Wix Khalifa x Amber Rose Twitter feud, you’re missing out. While the tweets have been deleted from Kanye’s page, you can find screen shots all over the internet because us internet folk know gold when we see it. At least Kanye *occasionally* admits he makes zero sense (even though he uses the wrong form of bear).
I know I confuse you guys sometimes but please bare with me.
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) February 15, 2016
8. Kanye only shows emotion on accident.
Kanye is notorious for being straight faced in photos. Because he’s too “cool” to care about anything. How can someone who won’t even smile show his love and affection? When Kim and Kanye decided to get married he was probably screaming internally but he couldn’t even say “No!” without seeming like he cared, so he just rolled with it.
9. Kim isn’t ready to be First Lady.
At the VMAs last August, Kanye announced he’s running for president in 2020. I’m not saying this is a good idea, but I am saying this is a feasible idea—celebrities running for president is apparently America’s new thing. But Kim Kardashian as First Lady? She would redecorate the White House! She would automatically install Kimojis on everyone’s iPhone! (Not gonna lie, I paid $1.99 for Kimojis and I stand by my purchase.) Every State of the Union Address would be broadcast from a selfie stick!
10. Their children are better dressed than they are.
This will only serve to drive the wedge further between an obviously unstable relationship. North and Saint deserve more than a “stay together for the kids” parenting mentality, you know?
What do you think of Kim and Kanye? Did I forget something that should have been here? Let me know in the comments.