Have you been single for a long time? I ask this not to be invasive, you must understand ( I would never), but because I, too have been single for quite a long time. Of course, by “quite a long time,” I really mean “my whole life,” save for a few brief dating/hooking up/”talking” situations that I’ve managed to endure in my career as a Young Millennial Woman, which some people might even say is too long a time (read: my grandparents who ask if I am “seeing” anyone at any and every holiday dinners).
The thing is, I don’t actually mind being single. In fact, I think there is an argument to be made that it can be preferable to the alternative, based on how little I have to share snacks and shave my legs compared to my non-single friends. At the same time, however, when you’ve been single for a while, you start to get a little paranoid. This, I think, is more the nature of complacency and stasis rather than my actual singlehood itself–people also get antsy in long-term relationships, jobs, and school situations, after–but rogue, paranoid thoughts that seem to spring from nowhere in particular are not all that fun no matter what their root is.
This, of course, brings me back to my initial question: Have you been single for a long time? If so, you can probably relate to this. Check out these paranoid thoughts that you can’t help but have when you’ve been single for a very long time:
1. Is there something actually wrong with me that everyone else has been too nice to tell me?
2. Will I be the best third wheel in all of existence for the rest of my life?
3. Do I give off too strong “I’d send your good morning text back with my grammatical corrections” vibes?
4. When–if–I finally start dating someone, will I remember how to…not be alone all the time?
5. I want a cat. But if I get one, is that the official death knell for me and my dating life?
6. Is it bad that the my answer to this is “I would rather die?”
7. Did it come off the wrong way when Aunt Janice asked if I was dating anyone and I just kind of…gave out an anguished moan?
8. Have I been single for so long that I actually love memes more than I love people, rendering my presence in a relationship totally useless?
9. *Extremely Carrie Bradshaw voice* Will I ever find love?
10. *Another extremely Carrie Bradshaw voice* Could it be that all of my dream guys were all together in this one vape shop that my friends and I make fun of all the time, and I was too stuck in my anti-vape agenda to give them a chance?
11. Why have I started thinking in a Carrie Bradshaw voice, by the way? Is that a side effect of being single for too long?
12. Do I still remember how to kiss?
13. Like, if Zayn Malik himself tried to kiss me right now, would I even be able to do it? Or would he simply weep at my efforts?
14. Is that–considering having a broken mouth in the presence of Zayn Malik–a weird thing to think about? Is that why I’m single?
15. Does this mean I’ll be single forever? Do I actually like being single more than I like being with someone?
It’s anyone’s guess, honestly.
Are you single? Did I forget any paranoid thoughts that you’ve had? Let us know in the comments!
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