Having sex. Getting down and dirty. Doing the deed. Making love. There are a hundred ways to say it, and a million ways to do it. As long as you’re both consenting individuals, there’s really no “wrong” way to have sex… even though it doesn’t always feel like you’re doing it “right.” Whether you’re doing it for the first time ever, with a new partner, with your bae, inside, outside, upside down, it’s not going to be the same experience twice. That’s the thing about sex – it doesn’t always make sense.
Before you start worrying about being a weirdo in bed, realize that we’re all weirdos in bed. Which actually makes a lot of the weird things we do normal. My best advice is to worry less about what you should be doing and concentrate more on what you are doing. The little things that you’re worried about probably are no big deal. Like these 15 little things we do during sex that make no sense…but happen anyway.
1. Think about other things than what you’re doing.
You get in the groove and all of a sudden you’re all in your head like, “Did I finish my math homework? Where did I leave my favorite black sweater? I wonder what movie I should see this weekend.” Why you should probably stop: multi-tasking during sex makes the sex less enjoyable.
2. Think about other people.
Who doesn’t fantasize about Harry Styles when boning? Just kidding. (Kind of.) We’ve all been guilty of it—you’re going at it with your friend with benefits/crush/significant other/that guy you met at the mall and someone completely different pops into your head. It might be an ex, it might be a hot celebrity, it might be the lunch lady. There’s not always rhyme or reason to it, and no, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re “cheating” on your partner. But be honest with yourself; if there’s someone else you’d rather be getting naked with, maybe you shouldn’t be getting naked with the person on top of you right now.
3. Think about food.
Sex is exercise. Exercise burns calories. Burning calories makes you hungry. It’s only logical that you could be thinking about your next meal while you’re satisfying one of your other primal instincts.
4. Worry about the embarrassing noises happening.
Dude. Sex is loud. And squeaky, and squelchy, and sticky, and slippery, and awkward noises are bound to happen. Stop worrying they’ll think that noise means you farted. They probably think that noise meant they’re the one who farted. And if someone did fart, laugh it off and keep going!
5. Say the other person’s name in a sexy way.
You know who you’re having sex with, and they know their own name. This is such an unnecessary practice, but a common one nonetheless. Make sure you are indeed calling out the right one—screwing up someone’s name is almost guaranteed to cut your screwing short.
6. Can’t think of anything to say at all.
Some people are into dirty talk, some people aren’t; but being tongue tied when you feel like you should be moaning some X-rated words and phrases is not a great feeling. Get busy using your tongue in another way and inspiration might strike—or they’ll be too distracted to remember they wanted dirty talk in the first place.
7. Keep our clothes on.
Sex is basically synonymous with being naked. So why do we do it in our clothes sometimes? If it’s about intimacy, what’s more intimate than being 100% undressed and vulnerable? To answer my own question: 1) we don’t always want to be totally vulnerable, 2) we’re in a hurry, 3) we’re not in the privacy of our own bedroom, 4) we ate a lot for dinner and would just feel more comfortable leaving our t-shirt on, thanks!
8. Take our clothes off.
On the flip side—you don’t have to be naked to have sex. It’s definitely possible to penetrate while wearing the majority of your clothing.
9. Turn off the lights.
Why would we want to see the person we’re having sex with? Make it as dark as possible! (Sarcasm intended.)
10. Get under the blankets.
Why do we do this? Blankets make things SO HOT, and temperature-wise, you definitely do not need that.
11. Try to hide how ugly your underwear is.
If I know I’m in for some hanky panky later, I try to wear cute, clean underwear—even sexy panties, if I’m really feelin’ myself. But then there are those spontaneous hookups that happen the day before laundry day when you’re wearing your worst underwear that should have been thrown out months ago. Well…who cares? You’re gonna take it off anyway, just take it off quicker!
12. Get self conscious.
Whether it’s the weird noises, the ugly underwear, or the family dog watching from the end of the bed, it’s common to have moments of insecurity during sex. Take a deep breath—disguise it as a sigh of ecstasy, if you must—and remember: this person is having sex with you because this person wants to have sex with you. They’re accepting the weird noises and the ugly underwear and they’re doing their best to ignore the family dog, too. Lay back and let go!
13. Think about what you’re going to tell your friends about this later.
Whether the experience is amazing, terrible, or mediocre, there’s bound to be a story that’s worthy of sharing with your best friends. Their shirt got caught on their head while undressing. The first condom broke. You got off with a rerun of Full House on in the background.
14. Pause to change the song/TV channel.
Speaking of television during sex—ever had that awkward moment when the song or TV show that comes on totally ruins the mood? And rather than pretending like it’s not a big deal and plowing on, you actually stop mid-coitus to change it? Yeah. Been there.
15. Get distracted by something, anything else.
You’re into it. Really, you are. The mood is set, your partner is doing an amazing job, you’re feeling sexy, and then—boom—you notice the crack in the ceiling, the motion of the ceiling fan, the noise of the traffic outside. And now that’s all you can concentrate on. Mood officially ruined.
Which of these weird things do you do during sex? What did we forget to include? Let us know in the comments.