If you are reading this, chances are good that there is no shortage of Kylie Jenner-based information in your life. Statistically speaking, it is very possible that you’ve watched at least one of her Snapchat videos (she’s the most-viewed person on there, with ten million followers). Maybe you are one of her 52.2 million Instagram followers (where she ranks as their eighth most-followed person, sandwiched between Justin Bieber and her sister, Kendall Jenner). You might be among those who purchased her new Valentine’s Day-themed lip kit colors earlier this month, all of which sold out in under ten minutes, either for your own personal use, or to sell for a triple-inflated price on eBay. Or perhaps you are just a human being who exists in the universe, which is all it takes, really–well, that plus a viable Internet connection–to be painfully, nauseatingly, overly-aware of Kylie Jenner and the rest of her Kardashian-Jenner brethren.
And yet. As someone who is tacitly aware of the Kardashians, and the keeping up with them, it was impossible for me to resist dropping one more tiny and ultimately inconsequential bit of Kylie Jenner coverage into this already-clogged ether because Kylie Jenner–no matter how objectively laughable or problematic you might find her otherwise–does have flawless skin that I would like to emulate. All of the Kardashian-Jenners do, of course–in that infamous Paper magazine “break the Internet” profile on Kim Kardashian from last year, it is noted that Kim’s skin looks like “she comes with a built-in filter of her own.” Kendall Jenner, whose past battle with acne is often touted as the greatest hardship she’s ever faced, is now consistently lauded for her seemingly naturally-flawless skin. But Kylie is the Jenner dujour and, because of this, I decided that I had to find out what, exactly, Kylie does to herself. Er, to her skin.
I am not alone in my fascination with Kylie’s skincare regimen. Back in September, The New York Times did an entire piece on Kylie Jenner’s beauty routine, noting that, with this routine, Kylie “keeps it real.” Of course, we all know that being “real” is not exactly Kylie’s deal, necessarily–one time, on her Instagram, I saw a comment that said “is any part of u real?” and I was like, Damn, makes you think. The not-particularly-real sense is cemented by the fact that KyKy’s beauty routine, in its entirety, adds up to about $3,500. This is absurd for anyone who is not Kylie Jenner herself and could likely hemorrhage money for hours without having to be bothered to stop it up.
The regimen in its essence, though, is nothing all that complicated or odd–it basically comes down to cleansing and moisturizing–and a lot of the products that Kylie uses for the actual skincare portion of her routine are surprisingly pretty affordable. I decided to use some of the more reasonable items–Mimosa Blossom Dream Cream moisturizer, Neutrogena makeup remover wipes, Sephora face masks, and Kiehl’s under-eye cream–in the manner that Kylie does, allegedly, and see how Kylie, exactly, I might get. My reviews are below:
Mimosa Blossom Dream Cream Moisturizer ($6.95)
After years of disapproval, I have recently come around to the Kardashians–I realized that life is a lot more fun if you let them just wash over you, like the inevitable current that they are–but something that I still can’t quite get on board with is their penchant for endorsing objectively sketchy beauty products. Kylie is no different–on her Instagram, she often shills for Secret Closet and Pure Leef, a cream that is supposed to make your breasts and butt larger. This is why I was skeptical of the Mimosa Dream Cream Salve that she often cites as her favorite moisturizer–the product’s site looks suspiciously “home grown,” and KyKy name drops it juuuust enough to make it seem as though she’s fulfilling some sort of contractual obligation in doing so. Still, for the full Kyle experience, I got it. Here is what’s good about this moisturizer–its ingredients are actually totally natural (it lists “purified mountain rainwater” and avocado oil among its primary ingredients), it looks like flan, and it smells exactly like a chewable Vitamin C tablet, if you’re into that sort of thing. Other than that, I wasn’t too into it. I told my story through Snapchat, as King Kylie might (follow me! I am saratopia1, and while I do not yet have ten million followers, it is a goal that I would like to achieve) as you can see from above, the formula is really greasy.
I think it might be good if you have super, super dry skin, but my particularly oil-prone combination skin became extremely oily from this moisturizer. The “dream” in “dream cream” is also apparently something to take seriously–I also had a dream one night that I can’t exactly remember, but I know was about Kylie Jenner because I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed, and tweeted this:
do you think anyone in kylie jenner's life called her kylo jen as a cute and topical pet name when the star wars movie came out
— Sara Hendricks (@shendrickslamar) February 19, 2016
This is a stupid tweet. I don’t know why this would be on my mind, ever, except for if very advanced consumer marketing was involved. Very invasive! Anyway, I have since stopped putting the salve on my face, but I do put it on my elbows now. It’s pretty nice.
Neutrogena Wipes ($6.99)
These are literally just makeup wipes. I don’t really know why Kylie mentioned them, and they barely bear mentioning here–they work very well for removing makeup, but you have to wash your face afterwards because makeup wipes leave residue on your face. And that’s all there is to Neutrogena wipes.
Sephora Face Mask ($4)
Kylie did not specify which Sephora mask she uses–she just comments that “they’re so much fun”–so I went for an extra-fun overnight honey “nourishing and balancing” mask. I liked it a lot! It didn’t feel overly greasy or heavy, like some overnight masks can, and it didn’t leave any face mask reside on my pillow, which is also a plus. My face didn’t look super different when I woke up, but it felt soft. And nourished and balanced, I suppose. Much like the candied yams that Kylie Jenner has offered up in her new cooking show, Cooking With Kylie! Anyway. Moving on.
Kiehl’s Avocado Under Eye Cream ($29)
I like this stuff a lot! Eye bags aren’t really something that I’ve had to deal with too much throughout my lifetime–if I get too little sleep, my entire face swells up, making my under eyes more or less indistinguishable–but Kiehl’s eye treatment is usually named as one of the best under eye creams out there. At $29 a jar, it is pretty pricey, but a little goes a long way–the formula is really thick and you only have to put on a tiny bit. Plus, kinesthetically speaking, this cream is top-notch. I found it very soothing to gently rub it on my orbital bone, as the jar recommends, before I fell into my slumber. So, physically, I don’t know if there was too much of a change for me, but psychologically, I felt like a changed woman.
Overall? In the end, I found myself to be largely unfulfilled and unchanged by Kylie Jenner’s skincare routine! I do like the Kiehl’s and face mask, but I didn’t really need Kylie to tell me that those are good products, and the one especially Kylie-specific product, the moisturizer, was not super great. I do suspect, however, that this because that what makes Kylie Jenner the enigmatic social media caliphate of our generation is not necessarily the skincare routine that she dutifully reports to a major newspaper, but rather the fact that she is, you know, Kylie Jenner. This is to say that the layperson, as far as I can tell, can never actually become Kylie Jenner, any more than she can suddenly not be a Kardashian-Jenner, and it certainly can’t be done with some Neutrogena wipes and Mimosa Blossom Dream Cream Salve.
Still, though, I couldn’t help but try and take the most Kylie-adjacent selfie that I could muster after my week:
In short? I am not Kylie Jenner. I most likely never will be. And, with that, this has been my Kylie Jenner story! You can go ahead and file it with the rest.
Would you ever try any of these products? Which ones? Let us know in the comments!