I don’t want to speak too soon, but I think I have discovered my claim to fame–my Quantum Theory, my E = mc 2, my Higgs boson–in the area of relationship goals. Given that I am a respected scholar in the Relationship Goals field–which consists of me and a few lesser Instagram models, an objectively exclusive and sought-after crowd–I was of course obligated to spend this past Valentine’s Day scrolling through many “couple goals” and “dream dates” pages on Twitter and Instagram. While doing so, I noticed something–there are some images and objects that appear on almost every one of these pages, flickering across my screen like some cipher sent from someone, somewhere, who wants to tell me something, but doesn’t know how yet. There’s a big bear. Matching T-shirts. Some weird, coded text messages.
Is it a conspiracy theory? A the Illuminati, perhaps? A bizarre Internet joke that is actually being put on by one of those renowned YouTube pranksters–you know, the kind who pretends to murder his best friend and calls it a funny joke? Or, worst of all–something that people actually want from a relationship? We may never know for sure, unless we investigate. So, get your Nic Cage National Treasure hat on (the first one, obviously, not the TRASH sequel) and check out these weird themes and tropes that, for whatever reason, seem to happen in almost every single relationship goals-type picture. Be careful, though–what yo’re about to see cannot be unseen:
1. Massive stuffed bears:
All I want for Valentine's Day. pic.twitter.com/rmpZcfGk8l
— relationship goals. (@girlmsgs) January 18, 2014
What does it mean? Where are you putting these bears?
2. Kissing bae when you’re also doing a handstand:
As all couples do to express intimacy–I’m sure you can relate.
3. Insufferable matching t-shirts:
You don't know how happy you truly are until you see something like this that shatters any joy you were capable of pic.twitter.com/vf60MWC0kn
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 16, 2016
Have you ever seen ANYONE wearing these IRL? Like, anyone at all?
4. Odd placement of SO MANY ROSES:
Roses are nice, yes–but not like this.
5. Giving your SO suspicious names in your contact list:
“Baby” is fine, but something about calling someone “My Boyfriend” and/or “Sweet Guy” just does not seem…real, exactly?
6. Leaving stuff outside bae’s house:
It’s a nice gesture, sure, but why won’t they just…stay?
Sometimes this is exactly what you need pic.twitter.com/pCwvczDR11
— Coolest Dates(@CoolestDate) February 16, 2016
Pizza = the universal aphrodisiac. That is, according to these photos, at least!
8. Girlfriends who are potentially dead:
Who killed all your girlfriends, relationship goals boys? Don’t you want answers?
9. Underwear as a Very Big Deal gift:
relationship goals pic.twitter.com/u52oDCLmrn
— Funny Texts (@FunnyTextings) May 31, 2014
This is perfect pic.twitter.com/JV6B8l9rEd
— Relationship Goals (@RelationGoaIs) February 9, 2016
I would cry if someone did this for me pic.twitter.com/qvYHjo1fuo
— Relationship Goals ღ (@RelationGoaIs) February 13, 2016
Does anyone actually like underwear *that* much?
10. Calvin Klein underwear in particular:
Calvin Klein is a fine company and all, but I find their overwhelming presence here to be quite suspect!
11. Couples who are hot but don’t know how to kiss:
Not how you do it, guys.
What do you think about these themes? Sketchy, or no? Let us know in the comments!