As everyone knows, there is only one truly terrible word in the English language, and that word, of course, is “panties.” It’s bad. So, so, very bad–worse than “moist,” worse than “smear,” worse than “secrete.” I’m not quite sure why the word “panties” evokes such a visceral, stomach-churning reaction in me and other people, I just know that it does. Perhaps it’s something about the word’s soft vowels, simultaneously juvenile yet over-sexualized connotation, and and sense that whenever the word is spoken, it’s coming from someone who relies on his mother for everyone but doesn’t know how to respect women.
In any case, it’s horrible–but I’m not just talking about it for fun. I bring this up because the word “panties” can usually be avoided–you can choose to call them undergarments, underwear, drawers, skivvies, whatever–but not in the case of the pairs of underwear that you’re about to see. No, these are all straight-up panties, whether they have a pair of minions gazing up at the wearer on the butt, or the word “daddy” is emblazoned across the crotch. They’re all a little babyish while also being aggressively sexualized and packaged as something that you, theoretically, really want to buy.
Of course, if you look through this list and see some things that you like, by all means head on over to the link below the photo and make a purchase! Underwear is something that should please you and you alone, so if any of these pairs of underwear happen to please you, I won’t hold it against you. Just use your best judgment, and, whatever you do, please do not call them “panties:”
1. This does not say “Coke!”
2. I will not abide the word “panties” in any form, let alone written on a pair of underwear:
3. “Fire” is not usually a word I like to have next to my vagina, personally, but you do you!
4. My objection with this latex pair is more technical than anything else–it seems like a very good way to get a yeast infection!
5. Knit underwear–for when you wanna sweat, baby:
6. The poop emoji is great, but this feels…overt:
7. Hmm. Nice:
8. Okay–this “daddy” thing has gone on long enough, I think:
9. Really. That’s enough, Lana:
10. Pizza is great! We all love pizza! But we must stop things like this, before Pizza Culture consumes us all:
11. Has Science Gone Too Far?
What do you think of these pairs of underwear? Would you ever wear any of them? Let us know in the comments!