I’m bored with my relationship and want out. He’s a great friend, but that’s all I want from him at this point. He deserves more than what I’m willing to give him yet I feel like he’s giving his all for this relationship to work. I need to put my foot down and end it but I’m not sure how. We’ve broken up before and I’m not sure if it’ll hurt him more to lead him on or shut him down. What do I do and how do I do it?
The core of your question is extremely easy: it’s always, 110% of the time, better to just be honest instead of leading someone on. Faking it and making someone believe all is well is very cruel, and it ends up hurting more the longer things progress.
Assuming that you’re going to do the right thing and end things as soon as possible, here are a few tips that might make it easier: First off, don’t start with that whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. That line is beyond old, and it’s a heartless cop out. Also, don’t lead with “I still want us to be friends.” That’s a total kick in the crotch during “the breakup talk,” and since you’re the one breaking things off, you don’t get to make that demand. I would just be honest and tell him you’re just not feeling it anymore, and want to end the relationship for good. Tell him that you didn’t want to lead him on any further, and that things have run their course.
If you’re completely honest and to the point, he can’t really be mad. Upset? Of course–but not mad at you for being honest about your feelings. He may try to go the “I can change” approach, but I would stay firm in your decision, because to be totally truthful, you shouldn’t have gotten back together after the first breakup. It is an exceptionally rare case when a relationship succeeds after a breakup, as in nearly every instance, the core of what caused the initial split hasn’t been resolved. Often times, surface issues get fixed, but the relationship itself is still very much broken. That’s not to mention issues of trust and comfort–as those are also often shells of what they once were.
Like it or not, breakups should be final. If you’re the one ending things, the best approach is always the direct approach, and out of courtesy and care, it’s always better to do it sooner as opposed to later.
Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.
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