I don’t know about you all, but personally, I am quite into a little thing called “material goods and possessions.” It’s naughty, I know, but it’s the truth–in public, I talk a big talk about being a “minimalist” and “getting rid of all of my things to go WOOFing in Argentina,” but in private, nothing gets me going quite like being in the presence of a tangible, purchasable object. I’m a bad bitch who loves anything that can be marketed to a key demographic, wrapped in some shiny wrapping that panders directly to said key demographic, and eventually sold for $15.99 and wrapped up so it can be given to me! This is why I love Valentine’s Day–while other holidays that involve presents have actual meaning (Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter), Valentine’s Day, in its current iteration basically has no other meaning other than to buy things. It is a Hallmark Holiday (my favorite kind!) The point? You can make Valentine’s Day this year all about presents, aka things that can be given to you. It’s okay.
Now, for all you fellow baddies who also love things and don’t care who knows it, check out these presents that you’ll really want for Valentine’s Day. (You also don’t have to be in a relationship for this to apply to you, by the way–everyone loves things! Buy these for your friends, make your friends buy them for you, buy it for yourself, for you are your one true Bae.) You can subtly hint to bae and close friends alike by saying, “I would like you to get this for me.” Once you make your desires known, no one will ever doubt that you love commodities again:
1. Keychain with an inspiring message:
Would this not move you?
2. Non aggressively-sexual lingerie:
Lingerie is a common V-Day gift–but, honestly, that’s usually more of a gift for the person buying it for you. Ask for comfy bras instead.
3. A jaunty, anti-patriarchal pin:
Never out of style.
4. Weeping Drake earrings:
Male tears personified!
5. Emoji self-portrait:
You can commission a portrait of yourself, but in, like, emoji form! You’ll love it. Just don’t think about it too much.
6. Emoji phone case:
If imagining yourself as an emoji is a little “much” for you, go for this Emoji-inspired phone case.
You always need more makeup, right?
8. Sheet masks:
What do women want? Sheet masks. Why did you even have to ask?
9. A giant jar of Nutella:
What women want part two: a six-pound tub of Nutella.
10. Tina Belcher tote:
The implication here, of course, is that you really are a hero. You’re just too humble to admit it.
11. Taco necklace:
12. A theme-oriented card:
Extremely on-brand for you.
Are you going to get any of these things? Which one is your fave? Let us know in the comments!