12 Presents That You Actually Want For Valentine’s Day This Year

I don’t know about you all, but personally, I am quite into a little thing called “material goods and possessions.” It’s naughty, I know, but it’s the truth–in public, I talk a big talk about being a “minimalist” and “getting rid of all of my things to go WOOFing in Argentina,” but in private, nothing gets me going quite like being in the presence of a tangible, purchasable object. I’m a bad bitch who loves anything that can be marketed to a key demographic, wrapped in some shiny wrapping that panders directly to said key demographic, and eventually sold for $15.99 and wrapped up so it can be given to me! This is why I love Valentine’s Day–while other holidays that involve presents have actual meaning (Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter), Valentine’s Day, in its current iteration basically has no other meaning other than to buy things. It is a Hallmark Holiday (my favorite kind!) The point? You can make Valentine’s Day this year all about presents, aka things that can be given to you. It’s okay.

Now, for all you fellow baddies who also love things and don’t care who knows it, check out these presents that you’ll really want for Valentine’s Day. (You also don’t have to be in a relationship for this to apply to you, by the way–everyone loves things! Buy these for your friends, make your friends buy them for you, buy it for yourself, for you are your one true Bae.) You can subtly hint to bae and close friends alike by saying, “I would like you to get this for me.” Once you make your desires known, no one will ever doubt that you love commodities again:

1. Keychain with an inspiring message:

butt

Would this not move you?

Buy it from Etsy for $17.83

 

2. Non aggressively-sexual lingerie:

coobie

Lingerie is a common V-Day gift–but, honestly, that’s usually more of a gift for the person buying it for you. Ask for comfy bras instead.

Buy it from Coobie for $20

 

3. A jaunty, anti-patriarchal pin:

male-tears

Never out of style.

Buy it from Etsy for $6.29

 

4. Weeping Drake earrings:

drake-tears

Male tears personified!

Buy it from Etsy for $6.99

 

5. Emoji self-portrait: 

emoji

You can commission a portrait of yourself, but in, like, emoji form! You’ll love it. Just don’t think about it too much.

Buy it from Etsy for $70

 

6. Emoji phone case:

emoji-phone

If imagining yourself as an emoji is a little “much” for you, go for this Emoji-inspired phone case.

Buy it from Anthropologie for 19.95

 

7. Makeup:

mascara copy

You always need more makeup, right?

Buy it from ITcosmetics for $24

 

8. Sheet masks:

sheet-mask

What do women want? Sheet masks. Why did you even have to ask?

Buy it from Sephora for $6

 

9. A giant jar of Nutella:

nutella

What women want part two: a six-pound tub of Nutella.

Buy it from Nuts.com for $33.99

 

10. Tina Belcher tote:

tote-bag

The implication here, of course, is that you really are a hero. You’re just too humble to admit it.

Buy it from Etsy for $12

 

11. Taco necklace:

taco-necklace

Gorgeous.

Buy it from Etsy for $48

 

12. A theme-oriented card:

card

Extremely on-brand for you.

Buy it from Etsy for $4.09

 

Are you going to get any of these things? Which one is your fave? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

 

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