If you, like myself, consider yourself to be a valued patron of the Internet, you’re probably aware of the baffling ubiquity of something called #RelationshipGoals.
Not familiar? Allow me to provide you with a rundown. Relationship Goals accounts–found on pretty much any channel of social media, but especially Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr–post photos of couples, obviously, but only a very certain type of couple. They are usually heterosexual, always gorgeous in a vague, stock photo model type of way, and appear to have lots of disposable income to spend on first-class plane tickets, luxury cars, and designer clothes, despite being, for all intents and purposes, fully unemployed. Most importantly, #RelationshipGoals couples have truly great and photogenic sexual intercourse, which is apparent because, though the act itself is not explicitly pictured, their foreplay and post-coital cuddle sessions certainly are.
I have many questions about these couples. Questions like, “Why are you making out with someone in this exact strategic location? Who are you forcing to take these shirtless photos of you? Why do you seem so unconscionably wealthy, yet always thirsty for more?” (These are, it should be noted, the exact same queries I plan to scream at noted former boy-bander and current gay icon-wannabe Nick “Mr. President” Jonas one day, but I am a busy girl on the go and I haven’t the time to talk about it for the seventeen hours that it requires, so you must sate your curiosity with this minor conspiracy theory document in the meantime.)
In any case, there’s something a little… off about these #RelationshipGoals pictures. They seem to exist in a void that is a world much like the one we currently inhabit, but is wholly devoid of any real consequences, repercussions, or context whatsoever. We, their viewers, are supposed to blindly accept them as #bae and #goals without actually knowing what’s going on, robotically double-tapping as we murmur “yaaaassss” and “mom” at their objectively perfect, entangled bodies.
Who are these people? Where did they come from? Why are they doing this? If you are ready for the Truth, come with me and gaze beyond the gilded veil of #RelationshipGoals as we figure out what is (possibly) actually going on in these pictures:
1. Once, in the Relationship Goals realm, it was an idyllic time:
2. Things were good. Everyone was “bae,” “goals,” and they always kept it “one hunnit.” Faceless couples with great abs embraced in bed while wearing coordinating sweatpants:
3. Then, The Mark entered every home currently inhabited by these hot, hot, #RelationshipGoals couples. They knew it was hopeless upon first glance:
4. Efforts to remove The Mark proved futile:
5. In defiance, Gareth and Gwyneth made love amongst the rapidly-multiplying Mark for what they knew would be their last time:
6. Others evacuated as quickly as possible, though they knew it was likely a lost cause–KaeLynn had already begun losing control of her legs:
7. Others stayed behind, scouring the top shelves of grocery stores for the last of the gluten-free snacks (high-fat, caloric food remained plentiful, of course, but no one dared go near it, for the only thing worse than The Mark was The Fat):
8. As defense, others opted to train their bodies in obligatory duels to the death with their friends, hoping that weeding out the weak ones might make The Mark go away:
9. It was pointless, though. Eventually, everyone forgot how to wear their coveted $600 pants:
10. Then, everyone’s worst fears were confirmed when Bear appeared:
11. No one could fight him off:
All I want for Valentine's Day. pic.twitter.com/rmpZcfGk8l
— relationship goals. (@girlmsgs) January 18, 2014
12. In desperation, some began offering their other halves as a sacrifice: “Take her,” Kyle groaned. “Just take Maylee. I don’t need her anymore. Just spare me, please.”
13. Others girded their loins in earnest and prepared for battle:
14. Those who did not died immediately:
15. Some died together, leaving hapless puppies bereft confused, wondering what had happened to their sexy, sexy owners:
16. It was the end, yes. But the #RelationshipGoals couples accepted death the only way they knew how–smiling softly into the camera and knowing that capturing their end would garner at least one hundred thousand Instagram likes:
What do you think of these relationship goals pictures? Which one is the MOST goals for you? Let us know in the comments!