I strongly believe that all adventurous women should be open to trying out the many sex tricks and tips that we are all constantly reading about – except for the unrealistic, horrible tips, of course. And needless to say, I felt the need to contribute to this endless stream of sex advice. After all, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and even though some of you may have just started having sex, anyone could benefit from spicing things up in the bedroom. So treat yourself (and your significant other) to these sex tricks you’ve probably never heard of.
Most advice is well intentioned and awesome – don’t get me wrong – especially the advice we give at Gurl (but I’m biased). However, as you all know, the best advice is advice that makes you question both your sanity and your lifestyle choices. Especially regarding sex. Everyone knows you’re doing it wrong. In fact, your parents get a weekly newsletter recapping the last time you had sex, like a progress report meets a yelp review. Ever wonder what your love is doing on their phone after sex? They’re taking meticulous notes so they can report you to your county Sex Sheriff. (As a reminder to all designated Partner A’s, the quarterly report is due on or before April 1st).
So, I polled your parents, your iCloud, Reddit, and even President Obama and there’s a surprising pattern in everyone’s sex life – it’s in dire need of change or you’re all going to get dumped – ceremoniously, all together, and on February 29th. That’s what leap years are for, after all. You don’t want that to happen, do you? Of course you don’t. Here are 15 sex tips and tricks you need to keep your boo this Valentine’s Day.
1) The Amber Rose aka the #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch.
Tbh, if you haven’t tried it yet, get yourself a lube and start training like it’s the Olympics of Butt Stuff. Amber Rose, your favorite anti-slut shaming crusader and everyone’s Muva, shut Kanye down on Twitter by recalling that time she put her fingers in his booty. Real-talk: men have their own g-spot and you can stimulate it via their… well, you know. Get him off and remind him that shaming men for being into butt stuff, while hilarious and shady, is also vaguely homophobic. Shave your head and put as many fingers in bae’s butt as they can take. Play Kanye’s 808’s & Heartbreak in the background to set the mood. The key to this move is gently whispering him reminders all men should hear who still talk shit about their ex. If you’re stuck, try: “Stay in your lane,” or “Nobody cares what you think,” or “Bitch, try me again,” then have a Kermit puppet come in and spill tea all over his chest.
2) The good dog/bad dog.
No, I’m not talking about doing it from behind (though that is optional). Openly discussing what you like and do not like in bed is overrated and played to death. Instead, get a spray bottle from the dollar store and fill it with water. When they do something you’re not into or even if you just want to change positions, spray them with the water bottle and say “No!” Don’t say anything else, and look stern. Do not change your behavior until your partner changes what they’re doing. They’ll figure it out eventually.
3) Give live sportscaster commentary on the act.
The great thing about this tip is that you can cater it to whichever sport or team your bf/gf is into the most. I know that everyone who has sex with women love to be stereotyped as a sports lover (because those two things are analogous, to those of you who are prepping for their SATs). Begin giving a detailed play by play and commentary, being sure to talk at and about not to your partner. Live out their presumed fantasy of being the MVP of your favorite team and end it with a home run/touch down/sports-thing. Don’t know sports? Just make a guess. No one is going to fact check you.
4) Eat Super Bowl snacks off his penis.
We’ve all heard the classic “put a donut on his d***” sex trick and that tip is close to ten years old at this point. Literally spice it up by making his penis the center of a big bowl of buffalo chicken dip. Make him wear it during the game while you sexily eat the dip with some tortilla chips. Tease him throughout the entire game and when you’re done, if he doesn’t have an infection or some serious burning sensation, give him a blowjob or whatever.
5) The rescue puppy.
Everyone by now has seen the super sad ASPCA commercials featuring Sarah Mclachlan and adorable animals on the verge of death. Let your partner know that you’ll always be there to take care of them by gently nuzzling their nether regions, like you would a small rescue puppy, and gently humming “In The Arms Of An Angel.” Humming is a one way ticket to being a human vibrator and you for sure won’t kill the mood by making bae think about dying animals.
6) Act like you’ve never seen a penis before.
Innocence is sexy! Even if you’ve never seen an erect penis IRL before, Google should be able to take care of any mystery for you. Still, when they take their penis out, bat your eyes and look up at them. Gently part your lips and say, “What does this do?” and smack it – because you’ve literally never seen one before. Tap the head and say “Is this thing on?” The more options you give your significant other, the better.
7) Pretend to be strangers and meet for the first time again.
What’s not to love about some good old fashioned role play? Have him meet you somewhere in public. Make yourself completely unrecognizable. Get a dramatic haircut, paste on some facial hair, do whatever you can to make yourself as foreign as possible. If you’re feeling really adventurous, cosplay as their grandma. See if they still want to sleep with you.
8) The male privilege.
If you’re sleeping with a guy, remind him that you need protecting. Man naturally want to safeguard their female partners from danger. Show him your uber receipts to remind him that walking alone at night is unsafe and that you spend close to $100 a month in the name of fear. Talk dirty to him by repeating all of the lewd things that have been said to you from cat-callers. If he loves this, he’ll love the Lily Ledbetter: it’s for all day sex marathons where you make bae pay you 33 cents every hour to make up for the wage gap (this amount will increase if you are not a white woman in order to close the gap between men and women of color).
9) Make him take off your clothes… blindfolded.
You’ve heard of being blindfolded during sex? That shit’s for squares. Blindfold him right when he walks through the door and make him chase you around to get your clothes off. Play a very literal game of hard to get. It’s like sexy Marco Polo.
10) The AppleCare.
Place a condom-clad phone between your genitals while you’re having sex – it does’t matter who’s phone it is. While you’re having sex, have a friend repeatedly call the phone. Set it on vibrate. Whoever gives in first has to answer it.
11) The cave of wonders.
You all know I love Princess Jasmine. Have them pretend their penis or strap-on is Jafar’s snake staff and when they rap on your vagina, dramatically bellow “Who dares disturb my slumber?!” like the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. It’s a surefire way to set the mood for a magical night.
12) The DIY mile high club.
If you’ve always fantasized about having sex on a plane but couldn’t because airplane bathrooms are cramped and the risk is too high? While you’re having sex, have your partner pretend to be a plane and make zooming/whooshing sounds. Hit turbulence. Give a safety briefing that you purposely don’t pay attention to. Use seat belts. Eat stale crackers and cookies. Make it as realistic as possible to get the full in flight experience you’ve always dreamed of. If you’re having sex in Denver, congratulations, you’ve already joined by default.
13) The Abbi & Ilana
Skype your bff during sex! If it worked and it was totally okay on Broad City, it should work for you, right?
14) Try pegging.
15) Do whatever you’re comfortable with that also turns you on.
This one’s new, but hear me out. As long as you’re being safe, getting off, and having sex with someone who’s proven themselves to be trustworthy and kind, do whatever you want with whomever you want. Follow your own pleasure and what makes you happy. It’s super adventurous, I know. but I’m sure you’ll like it.
Which of these sex tricks do you think is the most ridiculous? Let us know in the comments.
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.