12 Trendy Shoes You Should Never Actually Wear

“Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world.”

If you scroll through one of those “inspirational saying” boards on Pinterest long enough, you’re bound to come across this quote, which, like “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best,” and “Well-behaved women almost never make history,” is often attributed to Marilyn Monroe. Of course, Marilyn Monroe definitely never said this, but that’s a moot point–people like to attribute fake quotes to Marilyn Monroe, just as they like to assign substantive weight to shoes and what they mean. I bring all of this up because, lately, on some online stores, I’ve been seeing some trendy shoes that are, to put it bluntly, some very odd choices, should one want to “conquer the world.” You know, like, slides that say “Puta” on them. Pentagram flats with ankle studs. Double-stacked Hello Kitty platforms.

As always, the usual disclaimer applies--if these pieces of footwear speak to you on a spiritual level, please do use this post as a mood board and buy them. These shoes all exist for a reason, which is that nice, impressionable girls like you and me find them physically, emotionally, and aesthetically pleasing, and, as such, are willing to make it so that their “daddy”-themed Tumblr becomes their aesthetic IRL as well as online. This is fine! Pus, as I have said before, there is certainly an argument to be made that the action of wearing slides that say “puta” on them is actually reclaiming your own narrative as opposed to becoming complicit in the slut-shaming culture we currently inhabit.

Still, with that being said, some of these shoes are, um, a lot. Check them out here–whether you choose to pass them by or wear them to conquer the world, fake Marilyn Monroe-style, is up to you:

1. “Puta” slides:

Screen Shot 2015-08-05 at 11.57.18 pm copy



2. Sassy!




3. Please. No:




4.  A lot going on here!




5. SO MUCH going on here, too:




6. Chewbacca is not happy to be on your boots. Free him:




7. These aptly-named “death wish” platform shoes can be yours for a mere $320!




8. We might be able to end Brony Culture–but certainly not with shoes like these:





9. Digging these “slutty bunny” heels:




10. But perhaps a “slutty poodle” is more your style?




11. Also very into these “PikaBaby” heels, but I am concerned about dirt tracking on Pikachu’s poor little face! He was not meant to be dragged on the ground:

pikababy copy



12. Ban pizza culture:

pizzasex copy



What do you think about these shoes? Would you ever wear them? Let us know in the comments!

You can reach the author, Sara Hendricks, on Twitter and Instagram.

12 Trendy Bags You Should Never Actually Buy

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  • Ashlyn Hostilo

    Ew this article is gross.
    Stop making people feel less valid because of their personal decisions that don’t even affect you.
    *tea sip, hair flip, struts away in cute bunny slippers*