Given that I am a young, single, millennial lady of an appropriate courting age, I spend my time much the way you would think–lounging around on my phone, perusing topical memes, and scrolling through the extensive catalog of eligible young bachelors in my contact list so that I might text them said topical memes. As such, I have it on good authority (me! I am incredibly self-absorbed! The only things I like are Snapchat and doing the nae nae!) the rumors are true–texting a crush is one of the worst, most emotionally exhausting things in the world. Ruining one’s life can be as simple as a misplaced screenshot.
Case in point: Recently, my grandma set me up on a blind date with one of her friends’ grandsons (not trying to brag, honest! I just want to give you all a peek into my very glamorous life). I complied with this because, for obvious reasons, I have always secretly wished to have a Fiddler On The Roof-style arranged marriage. At some point during our texting exchange, however, he said something that displeased me–I believe it had something to do with his fraternity’s fantasy football league–so, naturally, I screenshotted it and sent it to my sister with a caption that said, simply, “Ugh.” Or, at least, I thought I sent it to my sister, but in a twist of fate, I accidentally sent it to him. This angered him, apparently, so the date was off.
He was not my crush, exactly, but can you imagine? In the spirit of accidental screenshots sent to potential grandma-approved beaus, check out the worst things that can happen when you’re texting your crush:
1. You accidentally send them a screenshot of your conversation.
I read once that you can salvage this by saying, “Wait, so what did you mean by this?” but I WOULDN’T RISK IT.
2. Or, even worse, you send them a screenshot with damning caption.
You know, like, “WTF????” or “Kill me now.” Can’t do the “what do you mean” trick with that one.
3. They accidentally send you a screenshot with an upsetting caption.
That’s only okay when you do it.
4. They have read receipts.
This is based solely on my own anecdotal experience, but anyone who leaves their read receipts on is a dirty scoundrel and NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
And, just like that, your foolproof line of calling someone a breath of fresh “air” became breath of fresh “ass.”
6. You spend so much time drafting a text that, by the time you send it, it doesn’t even sound like you wrote it.
You’re all, It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife,” as a means of subtly hinting that you would like to marry them, only to realize that you’ve accidentally just plagiarized the opening line of Pride and Prejudice.
7. Every response they send you sounds like it comes from one of those weird bots from Twitter that generates random sentences.
Give me something to work with. Please. Not just, “Haha cool” and “nice.”
8. You send them the text you meant to send to your mom.
Mom was supposed to get you tampons, but maybe…they will now?
9. You realize that you have vastly different texting styles.
You like to keep things casual and say “u” and “2” when you mean “you” and “too.” They actually put punctuation in their texts. It’ll never work.
10. They think that “texting” automatically translates to “sexting.”
11. They open your text, type for one thousand hours, and then send a one-word response.
12. Or no response at all.
WHAT WERE THEY TYPING??
13. You’re about to get a response…and your phone dies.
Please. Not now.
14. After some time, if becomes clear that they are texting you song lyrics so that they can go “viral.”
SHE TEXTED HER EX THE LYRICS TO GOTTA GO MY OWN WAY FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL I'M CRYING pic.twitter.com/4H1y9PaooH
— Tweet Like A Girl (@TweetLikeAGirI) September 8, 2014
It’s cruel, yes–but you’d do the same thing, wouldn’t you?
Have any of these things ever happened to you? Did I forget anything major? Let us know in the comments!