Ask A Guy: How To Tell If You’re His Side Chick

Hey Joel,

This guy and I have been friends for a while, but he just got a girlfriend. We haven’t been hanging out much in person, but we text every day. But he talks badly about his girlfriend behind her back and compliments me saying all this flattering stuff. He’ll say “Hey beautiful” and “WYD gorgeous” and honestly I don’t want to open up my feelings to him about how I feel about this. I’ve always liked him as more of a friend but we couldn’t ever get to that stage if we both fought and got on that off and on relationship. Am I just a sidechick that he can return to if stuff doesn’t work out between him and his girlfriend? Or does he truly have feelings towards me?


From what you’re describing, it sounds like you’re not even what people commonly call a side-chick. Due to your previously existing relationship with this guy, you’re not even that. You’re a convenient escape for him, and he’s being a bad friend. More to the point, he’s kind of using you, and you need to put a stop to it. 

If he’s talking bad about his girlfriend behind her back, clearly there are big problems in the relationship, and chances are, he needs to end it. That, however, is not really anything to do with you, aside from you giving him honest advice as friends are supposed to do in these situations. But he’s actually going too far and putting you in a really difficult situation. Basically, the relationship he’s in is making him miserable, and he’s using you to find some joy and happiness in life. In many cases, when people cheat, this is exactly the way it starts. You are the bright, positive element in his life that gives him relief from the heaviness and drama that this other girl is full of. His judgment is clouded, and the longer you let it go on, the more it’s going to hurt when it inevitably falls apart.

On top of all that, you’re kind of breaking “girl code.” The fact that you’re letting him continue to text-flirt with you and things like that is a slap in the face of his girlfriend. Imagine if you two were dating and he was sending and saying the things he does to this other girl. Chances are, you’d be very angry and end things instantly.

Along with that, you two are friends. You said you tried to get to a dating phase, but things didn’t work. Even before this other girl was in the mix, it was clear you two couldn’t be more than friends, and that in no way changes now that he’s in a relationship. The best thing you can do is back off, tell him he needs to either break up with her or stop flirting with you, and most importantly, go find yourself a new guy!

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at!

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