If you’ve been looking for a way to make your sex life more complicated, more headache-inducing, and, overall, less sexy in general, don’t worry–I’ve got the perfect “life hack” for you. All you have to do is try out some new sex positions.
Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with the concept of switching around positions to make things more satisfying for both parties. I am no kink-shamer! If embarking on something called the “Plow Daddy” that involves squeezing your partners neck with your pinky toes from behind is something that would bring you pleasure, by all means, go for it. It’s just that some positions that the Internet likes to tell people they should try out–such as the ones you’re about to see–are simply absurd and, for all intents and purposes, seem to require more attention and assembly than the even the most confusing of Ikea furniture.
Using basic powers of logical reasoning, it is very likely you’ll never be able to figure out how to do these sex positions. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, though–or, at the very list, that you shouldn’t check out this list for the sole purpose of laughing at the thought of ever attempting them:
1. The “Dirty Dancer:”
Unless you’re dating Ryan Gosling’s character in Crazy Stupid Love, this isn’t happening. Sorry.
2. The “Wheelbarrow:”
Ever wanted your arms to completely give out during sex? Want no more.
3. The “Arc De Triomphe:”
No lumbar support! So irresponsible.
4. The “Prostrate Worm:”
5. The “Back Stairs Boogaloo:”
Get this couple some knee pads! I am concerned for their patellas!
6. The “Ballet Dancer:”
Get those calves a-burnin’.
7. The “Butter Churner:”
♫ My neck/my back ♫
8. The “Erotic Accordion:”
Nothing says “erotic” and “sensual” like squatting during sex!
9. The “Head Game:”
Like yoga, but worse.
10. The “Rock A Bye Booty:”
Good if you like eye contact, I guess. Bad if you ever worry about falling off the bed.
11. The “Waterfall:”
Do NOT go chasing this waterfall.
12. The X-Factor:
What do you think of these “sexy” positions? Would you ever dare to try one? Let us know in the comments!