The only thing you need to know about me and Valentine’s Day is this story: in fifth grade, my bus driver gifted us all tiny heart shaped boxes of chocolate… then I went to my locker, hid it, and then very loudly acted like my “Secret Admirer” had left it in my locker for me as a Valentine’s Day surprise. Awkward since my earliest memories of crushing on boys, my Valentine’s Day expectations vs. reality as a single girl have always been the realest and the weirdest, and I think it may be true across the board. Whether your feminism kicks into beast mode and Valentine’s Day makes you all about loving yourself, your girlfriends, and celebrating your accomplishments or you’d rather mainline some romantic comedies and cry, like any other holiday, the more you think it’s going to go one way, the more it dive-bombs the other direction.
I know that Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday to pressure couples into spending money on each other to prove their love, and I know that even people in love don’t like celebrating it. But still. I like to pretend that IDGAF, but this is my big secret: I G ALL The Fs. Not about Valentine’s Day in particular, but about being in a relationship. There’s no shame in that. If you’re in the same boat as me, know that it doesn’t make you weird or desperate, it makes you a human person.
So, however you feel about being single, you’re going to have to make some alternate plans for Valentine’s Day, and that day itself is bound to be… interesting. Here are 15 Valentine’s Day expectations v. reality for us single girls.
1) How you feel about Valentine’s Day as a whole.
Expectations: “OMG I don’t even care, it’s a non-holiday”
Reality: “Can my school literally stop with all of the candy-grams and flowers? Can I send one to my BFF? Is that weird?”
2) When there’s an unspoken rule about dressing for the occasion.
Expectations: “Whatever, not even gonna wear pink or red at school. I’m wearing black.”
Reality: “I’m the only asshole not in pink or red. Cool.”
3) Your outlook on the whole day, in general.
Expectations: “It’s great for couples. Good for them.”
Reality: “Why do I have three classes with the token girl carrying around a dozen roses all day? Can’t she to go to her locker or something or is she just showing off?”
4) When you’re trying to cheer yourself up.
Expectations: “It’s only one day, thank god.”
Reality: “How did this turn into a month long shit-fest of pink hearts and forced romance? Why is every commercial for jewelry? Ugh.”
5) When you have a glimmer of hope about this turning around.
Expectations: “Ooh, maybe my crush will surprise ask me out!”
Reality: “Nah, there’s this weird calendar bubble of no-zone on all calendar days pre-Valentines Day. Quit wrecking things, cupid.”
6) When your feminism kicks into beast mode.
Expectations: “Today is NOW all about my girl friends and being empowered. Hell yeah!
Reality: “I low key wouldn’t be mad if someone high fived me and told me I was pretty. I wouldn’t hate it.”
7) When you try to make plans for the night.
Expectations: “I’m going to hang with my best girls and we’re all going to have the best time.”
Reality: “Everyone has a date or they’re staying in because it’s a school night. Cool.”
8) When you try to go out of your house.
Expectations: “I think I’m going to go out to a movie by myself, that’ll be a fun treat.”
Reality: “I’m the only sad-sack here without a date. Yay.”
9) When you settle in to spending the day solo.
Expectations: “I’ll just binge watch Netflix!”
Reality: “Why is picking what I want to watch the hardest thing ever?”
10) What you decide to watch after all.
Expectations: ” The opposite of romance is true crime. Making A Murderer!”
Reality: “Let’s just watch this rom-com classic. Today, I can be basic af. No one’s going to judge me. The heart wants what it wants.”
11) How you treat yourself this holiday.
Expectations: “I’ll grab a mani-pedi and maybe a massage because I deserve to feel beautiful, relaxed, and awesome today.”
Reality: “Let me eat this pizza in bed because I’m glamorous.”
12) How you feel about all of the Valentines Day Candy.
Expectations: “Perfect excuse to buy myself chocolate!”
Reality: “Ow, my stomach. I need to stop eating this.”
13) How you feel at the end of the day.
Expectations: “I love being single!”
Reality: “I like being single, but I’m definitely going to Facebook stalk my crushes and exes and wonder ‘what if?'”
14) When the day is all over and done with.
Expectations: “I literally don’t care. It’s a non-holiday.”
Reality: “I think I want maybe ONE good Valentines Day with a bf/gf and then I’ll be done. I think. Maybe. Who knows?”
15) When you try to run a normal errand anywhere between now and Valentine’s Day.
Expectations: “All I wanted was to pick up some tampons at CVS. Why is it overrun with cupid and greasy chocolate? Who actually wants any of this stuff?”
Reality: “No seriously, who wants this? I’m glad I don’t have to deal with Valentine’s Day pressure.”
Which of these expectations vs. reality can you relate to the most? What did we forget to include? Let me know in the comments!
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.