Not to be “that person,” but, if you think about it, the whole concept of dating as a whole is kind of rigged against everyone. You see, the thing about being in a relationship is that, statistically, it’s not going to end very well. It’s like that bit from Louie in which he points out that, when it comes to dating, the supposedly ideal thing that everyone is gearing up towards is marriage, which basically implies that “you’ll meet the perfect person who you love infinitely, and you even argue well and you grow together and you have children, and then you get old together and then she’s gonna die.”
I mean, that’s best-case scenario. It’s much more likely that, if you’re in a relationship, you’ll just break up. Perhaps it’ll be mutual. Maybe you’ll break up with them. Or, you know–you could just be dumped. Everyone knows that getting dumped is bad–people wouldn’t recoil at the sight of something called a “dump dinner” if the word “dump” didn’t incite such a negative reaction in people–but there are lots of things that no one really talks about after it happens. Check out the things no one ever tells you about being dumped:
1. You might not know it’s happening in the moment.
Recently, I’ve seen an uptick in what I like to refer to as “easy-out” breakups. This can range from anything from ghosting–you know, literally ignoring the person you’re dating until they get the picture–to the less sudden, but still hard-to-detect method of texting and calling and initiating hangouts less and less until the relationship withers away. The point is, people are shady about breakups–be aware of ghosts and wannabe ghosts. (Usually, you can go woith your gut–if you’re wondering if you just got dumped/ are in the process of being dumped, you probably did.)
2. People will tell you little things that are supposed to make you feel better but…don’t.
It’s the thought that counts, I guess?
3. Like, “You could do so much better!”
Can I, though?
4. Or, “I never liked them, anyway.”
Ah, thank you. This is what I want to hear, yes–that you thought the person I was spending considerable amounts of time with actually sucked. Awesome!
5. Not all breakup music is created equally.
Everyone will tell you to listen to Taylor Swift, but I say not to believe the hype. While, yes, I remain consistently moved by the power of both “Dear John” and “All Too Well,” I’m pretty sure that Swift music should only be used when you’re in Peak Wallow–you know, when you’re weeping, eating Nutella from the jar and looking at old pictures of you two together. Other than that, you should look into other stuff. Rihanna is good if you’re feeling vengeful and petty. Charli XCX is great if you’re filled with residual spite. Lana Del Rey is nice if you want to feel comfortably numb and vaguely sad, but not because of your ex, necessarily–just because you are so profoundly damaged and irreparable, you know? Explore your options!
6. You’re going to want to wallow. You should accept that.
Don’t pull the ol’ Rory Gilmore method of using productivity as a distraction drug–just let yourself be sad AF for at least a few days after a breakup. The exact amount of time varies depending on the trauma caused by the breakup and the length of the now-defunct relationship, obviously, so use your best judgment there. In any case, you deserve some time to cry, watch Sleepless In Seattle, eat nothing but ice cream, and make your best friends braid your hair while you do so. This is, above all else, about you.
7. Speaking of wallowing, your friends will get a little sick of you.
It’s not personal. It’s just so hard not to get kind of annoyed at someone who is smack-dab in the midst of a Wallowing Period, however well-deserved it might be. I mean, if they’re good friends, they’ll be supportive anyway, but just make sure you’re spreading out all of your mourning sessions equally amongst your friends, so it’s not just one who has to bear the whole burden of your grief.
8. All of your ex’s social media platforms will feel like a magnet.
Even if you’ve Done The Right Thing and muted/unfollowed/unfriended your ex as a means of dissuading the temptation to go ham on their social media presence, your crafty, grieving little brain will devise ways to find out exactly what they’re doing at all times. You’ll Google their name. You’ll periodically open an Incognito browsing window to plug in their Twitter name and check up on what’s going on there. You’ll borrow a friend’s phone to look up some facts about bees, or something, but “accidentally” end up on their Snapchat story. It’s fine. It happens. Just try to limit it.
9. You’ll get to have that super-satisfying feeling of vindication, though.
A good thing about being dumped is that, unless you’re getting dumped because you cheated or ran their dog over with your car or something–in which case, yes, you should feel guilty–you get to emerge out of this breakup as the one who has been definitively wronged. For this, you are allowed exactly seventeen days consequence-free complaints and doleful glares whenever you see your ex out in public.
10. But you’ll still be mad at yourself.
No matter how vindicated and guilt-free you feel, there’s really nothing that your insecurities love more than getting dumped. You’ll feel like it was your exclusively top-40 music taste that caused them to dump you. Or you talked too much about yourself and didn’t ask about their little sister nearly enough. Or if you hadn’t cut your hair after they said they liked it long, or something, you could have salvaged things.
It wasn’t, you didn’t, and you couldn’t, obviously, but your better reasoning has little-to-no power right after getting dumped. Just try to surround yourself with people who help you remember that you’re awesome.
11. It’s actually not the worst thing in the world.
Okay, so, this might actually be a pretty common thing that people say–but, still, it deserves to be said one more time, probably. While getting dumped really, really sucks, and wallowing is, in many ways, completely unavoidable, you will be okay. You don’t have to be okay right when it happens–and trying to force yourself to be okay won’t help you get there, trust me–but it will happen, eventually. Just keep that in mind the next time you get dumped.
Have you ever been dumped? Were you surprised by anything that happened? Let us know in the comments!