Not to brag, but a few months ago, I received a Snapchat from one of my friends. It was just a picture of the opening line of an article she was reading that featured a quote from the literary theorist Leo Bersani, saying, “There is a big secret about sex: most people don’t like it.”
The accompanying caption? I KNEW IT.
I screenshotted it, obviously, because it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Like, for all the hype, accolades, and euphemisms–“the beast with two backs,” “country matters,” and “close with” are the ones that Shakespeare came up with alone–that sex has received over the years, when it comes down to it, sex is more likely to be underwhelming or disappointing than anything else.
There are certainly exceptions to this rule, but if you’re looking for them on Twitter (for whatever reason) you probably won’t find them there. Check out these tweets that reveal some certain truths about about sex as a whole–sometimes, it’s pretty bad. Other times it’s really bad. And, still other times, it can be fine and all, but you’d actually prefer some pizza instead:
1. Just get everything off your chest:
Thank you for inviting me to be your keynote speaker. I'll get right to it: one time "Goodbye Earl" popped up on shuffle while I had sex.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 5, 2016
2. Yes. Exactly:
Having sex is like shopping; there's too many people, you end up lost and you somehow spend $100 on hats.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 6, 2016
looking for a part time boyfriend penis-optional kissing-optional chipotle-mandatory
— danielle day loiuse (@home_napping) November 12, 2013
4. ALSO SAME:
My phone autocorrects 'sex' into 'pez' in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
— The Dark Side (@StaceyShortcake) December 28, 2013
5. Do you ever just…
I'm masturbating watching the news
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) December 31, 2015
6. NEVER DO THIS. SAVE YOURSELF:
swapping dad's number with mine in mum's phone did NOT go well pic.twitter.com/6o2aSgPKar
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 6, 2016
7. When “Netflix and Chill” goes too far:
Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 15, 2015
8. Why not respond like this?
when ur making out & u tell him ur on ur period pic.twitter.com/HjPoGBV3pd
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 16, 2016
9. The ultimate aphrodisiac:
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014
10. Like sexting, but IRL. What’s not to love?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 7, 2015
11. Right. Exactly:
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 29, 2014
12. AGREED. LET’S:
Let's just all collectively decide to stop having sex with people who don't use the turn signal.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 14, 2016
13. Strong argument, here:
sex is bad bc it distracts from more important things in life like being a huge dork
— valdimar (@mannfjandi) December 24, 2015
14. Cats are vindictive creatures, after all:
At this point I think the stray cats having sex under my deck are just doing it to mock me.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 23, 2015
15. PSA to please remember the little people. You know, like, your neighbors:
The people who live above me are having sex. Good for them. A search for headphones for me.
— Quinta B. (@quintabrunson) January 8, 2016
What do you think about these tweets? Are they accurate or nah? Let us know in the comments!