Alright, you guys–I am about to get extremely real with you all. You ready? Here’s the thing–I absolutely love things. You know, like, goods. Commodities. Products. I’ll even spring for the odd tchotchke–as a proud victim of consumer culture, I simply cannot get enough of the stuff that I purchase, hoard, forget about, and leave to gather dust in the nether corners of my room.
I’m a little bummed out, though, because there are some things that will simply never be mine. Why is this, you ask? Well, because they are for men and men only. It’s true! Even if it is something that I might conceivably buy–you know, like deodorant, tissues, the odd Pilates class–they are sold with prefixes like “bro” and “gun” and “ice metal,” and, just in case I get confused, they say “For men only” on their packaging.
Masculinity is fragile, after all, and all of these products prove themselves to be exemplary models of that fact. Check out these “for men, by men” products–no girls allowed!! They mean it!–that prove masculinity is so, so very fragile:
1. Can’t buy these wipes:
— Tekeyah (@TeKeHall) December 22, 2015
2. Nor this tasteful camo cake mix:
— Jeff Ramos (@ohjefframos) December 28, 2015
3. Gotta succumb to the flu, I guess:
— jenni bagen (@bageycakes) January 5, 2016
4. And let my face languish in its filth and my abs in their feminine, untoned state (too bad, this is on sale):
5. My thirst will never be quenched!!
6. Let my skin burn:
7. I can never mark a place in my book again:
— Elizabeth Flux (@ElizabethFlux) January 9, 2016
8. And my nose will continue to run:
— rhodey amy (@rhodeytony) November 28, 2015
10. Maybe I should hit up this class as a fun little prank. The men will be so scared!
— Sara Hendricks (@shendrickslamar) July 14, 2015
11. One must have a Y chromosome to drink out of this mug. It is the law:
— ellie (@ell_tindle) December 23, 2015
12. And, lest you forget–it is only men who can be “smooth, not soft:”
— Aral Balkan (@aral) December 19, 2015