Ah, “Netflix and Chill.” Has there ever been a meme so pervasive, so perfectly chameleonesque, so expertly devised to fit into people’s lives so seamlessly that they thought it had been there all along?
No, gentle reader–there has not. When our children learn about the era their parents grew up in (via virtual reality Snapchat stories while speeding away from our scorched planet Earth on a Virgin Atlantic spaceship, naturally) Netflix and Chill will be the first thing they learn about. (It’s how they will all be born, after all.) The only problem with Netflix and chill? That, according to most popular definitions of the term, someone else has to be there to do it with you. This, frankly, feels like a waste–why do anything with other people when you could, potentially, do it by yourself? This is why I have set out to find the best ways to Netlix and Chill all by oneself.
(And, in this case, I really do mean “Netflix and chill,” literally, when I say “Netflix and chill by yourself.” It is not a fancy way of implying masturbation–though, if that is what you feel you must do, by all means, do it.) In any case, here are the best ways to ensure that you have a flawless Netflix and chill sesh, all on your own:
1. Get comfy AF:
Yoga pants, pajama pants, and wearable sleeping bags only, please–if, you know, you’re going to be wearing clothes at all. Just because you’re doing this by yourself doesn’t mean you can’t do it pantsless, you know?
2. Or, just wear a costume that fits the theme:
I was a theater kid in high school, so I totes empathize with any desire you might have to be as *dramatique* as possible in your solo Netflix and chill endeavor. So, follow the example of the above hero, and get a Netflix t-shirt. Then, take all of the ice out of your freezer and place it in a bucket next to you. It will serve as your date for the night. If your mom yells at you about the ice melting all over the floor, just tell her to GET OUT because this is about YOU. (Then mop up the water, or else she will get very mad and possibly revoke your Netflix privileges.)
3. Pick a technique:
Laptop or TV? There are pros and cons to both–personally, I’m a laptop girl, but it’s really up to you.
4. Stake out a prime location:
Couch, bed, a pillow fort in your dad’s home office that you are strictly forbidden from entering, ever, etc. Lots of choices. None of them are wrong, necessarily. Just make sure that you feel comfortable .
5. Lock the door:
The title of this post is Netflix and chill by yourself. Not with anyone else. Don’t let anyone ruin it for you.
6. Eat everything:
If you don’t have, like, an entire pantry’s worth of snacks at your disposal, GET AN ENTIRE PANTRY’S WORTH OF SNACKS AT YOUR DISPOSAL, STAT.
7. Watch the show you’re too scared to speak of aloud in public:
I don’t believe in the concept of “guilty pleasures,” necessarily–pleasures are pleasures, period–but if there’s a show you’ve been eyeing that you know your friends will 100% judge you for watching, now is your time. Hey, in public you’re a Veep fan, but in private? It’s all Pretty Wild, all the time.
8. Watch as much of it as you can:
Binge-watch, baby. Do it for yourself.
9. Conjure up your own imaginary date:
Just because Zayn Malik is “technically” looking at apartments in NYC with his alleged “girlfriend” who is “Gigi Hadid” and not “you” doesn’t mean he isn’t Netflix n’ chilling with you in spirit, right? Of course right.
10. Turn off your phone:
Shut down your phone for the duration of the night so you aren’t bothered by texts or (Pretty Wild deserves all of your attention, after all.) You would never do this for another human, of course, but for yourself? Anything.
11. Use protection:
Bedsores are real, y’all. Make sure you’re getting up every now and then, switching your pillows around, and making sure you haven’t been alone with your Netflix for more than a few days. Be safe!
Are you going to try out any of these Netflix and chill techniques? Did I forget any good ones? Let us know in the comments!