If you were to ask me what I thought the greatest dilemma facing young people today is, I wouldn’t hesitate to give you my answer.
It is, of course, oral sex. (Of course, I should probably note that this answer may be why no one ever asks me what I feel is the greatest dilemma facing young people today.) But, like, think about it–while oral obviously great in theory (and often in practice, too) there is just so much that can go wrong on both ends of the deal. Bodies are weird, y’all. The thing is, giving oral always seems to get the rap for being the most embarrassing type of oral, but, you guys, let’s be real. Receiving it can sometimes be just as mortifying, if not even more so. (As it turns out, oral sex and gift-giving have a lot in common–to give is often better than to receive, which I assume is the concept that the classic Lonely Island song “Dick In A Box” came from.)
Anyway, if you want to play a little game of “worst case scenario,” here are the very worst things that can happen when you’re receiving oral sex. The good news? All of this combined literally is a worst case scenario–and, as such, it probably won’t all happen to you. Still, it’s kind of fun–and extremely cringe-worthy–to imagine:
1. You accidentally mention the fact that their mouth is literally where you pee:
Do not speak of this.
2. You get a little carried away and actually pee:
3. You fart:
4. You queef:
Like I said–bodies are weird!
5. You squirt an a way that would be deemed un-ladylike:
I mean, hey–it’s a sign of a job well done. If an awkward silence follows this moment, just scream, “By George, I think she’s got it!” a la My Fair Lady. (The she, here, is referring to you, obviously.)
6. You get your period:
It’s not that periods are inherently embarrassing–it’s just that a surprise menstrual blood attack is not really what you want when someone else’s mouth is actually on your vag, ya know?
7. They find some residual TP:
You know how sometimes it just…sticks up there?
8. You laugh:
What? You’re ticklish. It’s a sensitive area.
9. Your partner starts going down on you, then all of a sudden, they just…stop:
What? (Though, to be fair–usually, this is their own problem, not yours.)
10. You find out after the fact that someone wrote an article about it:
No, really–some guy wrote an article this fall about how he refuses to go down on women because, the first time he did it, the girl he was going down on allegedly enjoyed it too much. Okay. Obviously, this is also something that could definitely be considered a “personal problem” of your partner, but it would be pretty mortifying. (You could always respond with a classy rebuttal, however, as his ex-girlfriend did.)
when he’s licking everything but the clit. pic.twitter.com/x6y7qMmYAB
— Brin (@YalAintShiit) April 4, 2015
So, someone is going down on you. This is great, technically, but you’re just…not really feeling it. Or anything, for that matter. This isn’t strictly embarrassing, exactly–you aren’t under a time limit–but it is awkward. Hey, not everyone likes oral. (Or, maybe, you partner’s oral isn’t really for you.)
Have any of these things happened to you? Which would be the most embarrassing for you? Let us know in the comments!