How To Deal If Your Best Friend Starts Blowing You Off

Hi Heather,

In the last few weeks, my best friend has gotten really close to another girl and I’m scared she’s trying to cut me out. I know that sounds dramatic, but before we were best friends, she blew another girl off for me. I know that makes her sound like a mean person, but I swear she’s not. She’s supposed to be my best friend, but she hangs out with this other girl all the time, like every weekend. When I went away, they hung out every single day so they’ve gotten really close. I also feel like my best friend gets annoyed at me a lot and it really upsets me. I ask her to hang out and she says she can’t and then hangs out with the other girl. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t like a lot of other people in my school. Please help.

lauren conrad

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this right now! It stinks to feel like you’re being pushed out of a friendship, and it’s also a touchy subject, which makes it hard to figure out how to deal with it. I’ve been in your situation, and I know how much it hurts to watch your best friend act like someone else is her new best friend.

Based on the fact that your BFF has done this before, it does sound like she might be cutting you out. But let’s not jump to the worst conclusion. I sometimes compare new friendships to new relationships: in the beginning, you’re excited to be hanging out with someone new who totally gets you – so excited that you enter what is similar to the “honeymoon stage” of a relationship, and you blow everyone else off for that person. Your BFF has been friends with you for a while, and you guys have gotten out of the new friendship phase. Right now, she might feel like things with this new friend are more exciting and different, which is why she’s been kind of MIA.

Still, it hurts to watch your bestie become so close with someone else while you’re sitting on the sidelines. I think you need to talk to her. Start off nicely, without a confrontation. Text her and say something like, “Hey, I really miss you, I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long, we’ve been so busy! Can we get together soon? I really want to see you!” This lets her know you miss her and feel a little left out without putting any of the blame on her. Putting the blame on her right away will put her on the defensive and make her annoyed. See what she says – if she responds nicely and wants to make plans, do it!

If the plans never go through and you feel like you’ve tried several times, then it’s time to say something more. Send her a text or talk to her in person, and say something like, “Hey, are you annoyed at me about something? I haven’t seen you in a while and I feel like you don’t really want to hang out. Is something going on?” If she gets rude about it, just be honest: tell her you’re upset because you miss her and you feel like she’s been with her new friend a lot more.

There’s a strong possibility that your friend is going to get mad about that, and accuse you of being jealous or overbearing. If that’s the case, there isn’t much you can do, because honestly, that’s her being a bad friend. The best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel and hope that you guys can work things out. If she’s not cooperating, though, then maybe the friendship needs a break.

Unfortunately, this kind of thing happens a lot. Friendships end or fizzle out, or two friends go for a while without seeing each other. It sucks, but it’s natural and it’s normal. If your BFF doesn’t seem interested in hanging out, find other friends to hang out with. Don’t sit around waiting for her. Call your other friends, make plans with them, and try to move on from your other friend. Who knows – maybe you guys will make it work!

take care,

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