There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single for a long time. But being on your own for a while can seriously mess with the way your brain works, causing some weird thoughts to pop up in your head. The same way serial monogamists only feel like they can function as their best self when they’re part of a couple, us perpetually single people only know how to function by ourselves. In theory, we know how to compromise and be great partners – don’t get me wrong, some of us are – but you can get used to living a certain way if you’ve been doing it for long enough.
I’m a little embarrassed about the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship, but you know what? I’m not the only one. I’m all for normalizing being single, which includes talking about the triumphant parts, but also the super mortifying bits. You can make things less awkward by talking about them right? That’s a thing that works, right? Well, YOLO, I’m going to say some things that we would normally keep to ourselves.
My brain only knows how to work in single mode, but the heart wants what it wants. Unfortunately, when my heart tries to have a nice one-on-one with my brain, things get fuzzy and mostly weird. I’m going to be real with all of you about the embarrassing things that happen when you’ve been single for too long. Please, someone tell me it’s not just me.
1) You fantasize about literally everyone.
Literally everyone. That Starbucks barista has been looking pretty good lately.
2) Each new encounter becomes a potential “how we met” story.
Well, Timmy, mommy and daddy met at Starbucks. Daddy smiled at mommy and mommy got like REALLY carried away, and then we had you. How’s that for a meet cute?
3) Really, there’s a narrator in your head when you’re sensing a chance meeting.
You can feel the fairytale kicking into motion when you can feel the magic brewing in the air.
4) You imagine your future with everyone you rejected in the past.
Oh, the never ending what-ifs.
5) Which makes you really thankful that you dodged some bullets.
6) You’re simultaneously hyper critical and also willing to try EVERYTHING.
All the Tindr and OKCupid dates won’t stop you from overanalyzing someone’s profile and every word they say. What’s the catch with them?
7) Everyone says you’re too picky.
If I’ve waited this long, I’m not wasting my time and affection on this rando just for the sake of being with someone. Nope.
8) You’re pretty convinced that your boyfriend is living across the country.
Where are they? Are they hiding? Nope, they live in Alaska. Pretty sure that’s the case. It’s just a matter of eventually running into them.
9) You start to wish there was some app to let you know when you’re about to meet someone.
In an ideal world your phone would beep super loud when you meet someone that you should be dating. Just, some clear sign.
10) At times, the loneliness is so big and heart crushing that you feel like the possibility of love is never going to happen and that you are inherently too awkward/weird/[insert negative adjective] to ever be with.
Helpful hint: that’s a bold faced lie, but I had to be real about that big, awful feeling. It’s real and it sucks.
11) It’s gotten to the point where you’ve considered making a neon sign to direct available men your way.
IN CASE YOU NEEDED A LITERAL SIGN.
12) You’ve formulated a multitude of responses when someone asks about your relationship status.
All of the comebacks.
13) Truly, the thought of someone liking you back and being in a relationship with you feels like a far off, fantastical impossibility.
And then Kanye will be president. Right? That’s how logic works, yeah?
14) You even imagine a future without a partner… and it’s not too bad.
If you’ve done everything by yourself for this long, the rest of your life couldn’t be too bad, right?
15) The thought of sharing your life with someone sounds exhausting.
Yes, we’d want that, but at what cost?
16) You defend cat ladies to the death.
Solidarity forever. I feel you. People give you a bad rap and f-ck them. Honestly. Quit making fun of single girls.
17) You know that even in your darkest, loneliest moments, that you will find the love you deserve.
There’s billions of people in the world. One of them should be able to love you right. Chin up, buttercup.
Which of these embarrassing things have you done or thought? What did we forget? Tell me in the comments.
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.