Ask A Guy: What Makes A Guy Not Want To Have Sex With You?

Hey Joel,

I’ve been dating this guy for a pretty long time. At first, our sex life was great, but obviously things have gotten a little more stagnant lately. I have a really strong sex drive, but when we do get together, it seems like it’s a chore for him. I tried to open him up by asking things like “What’s your fantasy? How can I turn you on?” But no matter what I ask he just shrugs his shoulders and says “I don’t know.” How can I get him to open up?


First off, just because you’ve been with someone for a long time, that’s really no excuse for the sex to fizzle out. Sure, if you keep doing the same thing over and over it’ll be boring, but that’s true of anything in life. So drop the “time equals routine” idea and let’s dig into the heart of the matter.

Kudos to you for being proactive and asking him the right questions to try and improve your sex life. If he won’t give you any real answers, you can try asking him more specific questions. Ask him, “would you like this?” and see if you get a better response. If he still gives you nothing, then honestly, it’s his own fault for letting things fall apart.

That being said, there are a few factors that could have led to his decreased libido. If he’s fallen out of shape or is going through extremely stressful times, that could absolutely make him feel less frisky. If it’s the former, go to the gym as a couple, and encourage him to eat healthier. Whenever anyone doesn’t like how they look naked, their want for sex can often completely disappear.

The fact of the matter is, a lack of fulfilling intimacy is one of the clearest paths to infidelity. It’s not 100% that it will happen, but the longer you go without REALLY getting off, the easier it will become for your mind to let you find that fulfillment elsewhere.

In the end, it sounds like for whatever reason, he’s just not that into you intimately. While that isn’t always a deal breaker, if you just can’t get the physical attention you need, chances are the relationship won’t end well.

Best wishes,


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at!

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