Oral sex is just one of those things that, in my mind, will always be inherently hilarious.
I don’t know why this is, exactly (though I do know that it means that I am inherently one other thing, which is immature), because I know that oral sex isn’t actually funny. But I do have a pretty good guess. Basically, there’s just no good way to say it. “Oral sex” sounds weirdly clinical and formal, like saying “corpus spongiosum” when you mean “penis”–which, technically speaking, is right enough, but it’s not really something that you want to say outside of a sex ed class. But there’s not really much else to work with.There’s “head.” “Blowjobs.” “Eating out.” “Going down.”
Whatever. It’s funny. In spite of this–or, perhaps, because of it–there’s also a lot that can go wrong during the act, and I am here to catalog these embarrassing things so the next time someone happens to say “we should go down on each other,” to you, you won’t accidentally laugh and pretend that you’re coughing in order to cover it up. Which might still be pretty awkward. Not that it’s happened to me, obviously. Anyway, cringe along with me while we talk about the most embarrassing things that can happen when you’re giving oral sex:
1. You laugh:
Happens to the best of us.
2. Someone walks in on you:
Not your fault, technically, but still pretty embarrassing.
3. Someone walks out on you:
Like, your partner. Oops.
4. Your teeth decide that today is the day to make their presence particularly known to you and everyone in your presence:
5. You literally fall over:
You were planning on going down, yes. But not like this.
6. You forget that you’re wearing a ring, and it incites a lil bit of bleeding:
Mouth stuff usually involves hand stuff too. Which could lead to ring-induced bleeding. You have been warned!
10. Surprise lockjaw:
And what a surprise that would be.
11. A smidge of vomit:
It happens. Don’t sleep on that gag reflex.
Sometimes the most awkward thing that can happen is nothing. Like, your partner just doesn’t…do…anything.
13. You don’t know how to react to the end:
The time to decide is now. And, yet, you remain frozen.
14. You break…it:
IT CAN HAPPEN. Well, according to Reddit. One user said, “One day I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, teasing, licking, using my hands…Well, at one point I got a little too rough and I hear a sickening crack and notice his dick was a bit crooked and I freak. He shrugs, says it happens all the time, and got up.” CASUAL.
(The good news? You can just laugh this all off. It happens to everyone, so it’s seriously not a big deal.)
Have any of these things happened to you? Did I miss anything? Let us know in the comments!