What a time to be alive.
This is what Drake and Future say regarding their collaborative mixtape that was released a few months back–the title of which just so happens to be, subtly, “What A Time To Be Alive”–but it also is exactly what I say during pretty much every holiday break. Specifically, I say this every time that I come home for the holidays and, upon arrival, see that telltale bling from the hotline. It’s from an ex, usually. Or a friend who has always shielded their ulterior motives, but just barely. Or a high school almost-dated-but-never-made-it type of person who thinks that now that we’re finally back in our hometown at the same time, things can get weird. So to speak.
What a time to be alive, indeed—and what a time to ignore a lot of texts.
Just so you know, I am not a monster. I certainly respect the strength that it takes for one to screw their courage to the sticking place–so to speak–and send a late-night “u up?” text into the ether that is an ex’s or friend’s or erstwhile crush’s number. I enjoy a nice, well thought-out thirst text like everyone else–one might even say, in fact, that I cherish them. I don’t even get them that much, really–it’s just that Christmas, in addition to being the happiest season of all, is also the thirstiest season of all. And it will be for you, too.
Wanna see a preview? Here are the texts you are certain to receive over your winter break, ranked in order of their thirst:
1. The “Primer:”
This is usually–though not always–sent out a few weeks before winter break starts. They’re usually also totally aware of your plans–they just need an excuse to hit you up.
2. The “Forcibly Nonchalant:”
So casual. So so casual. And yet…
3. The ol’ “I Don’t Actually Know How To Start A Conversation With You:”
Admirable in its dedication, truly!
4. The “I totally sent this by accident wink-wink:”
Totally a mistake. Unless you respond positively, that is.
5. The “Festive Jokester:”
Totally a joke. Unless you’re down, that is.
6. The “Desperate Jokester:”
“TOTALLY TOTALLY A JOKE HAHAHAHA. UNLESS YOU ARE INTO IT. I AM SO LONELY” is the subtext here.
7. The “Netflix and Chill, but festive:”
Particularly creative? No. Dedicated to a theme? Yes.
8. The “Netflix and Chill for Jews:”
For all my children of Israel out there—you know what this text means.
9. The “Emoji Is My Love Language:”
It is said that a picture speaks a thousand words—and, in this case, emojis speak about a million. This person would like to give you their dick in a box, essentially.
10. The “Classic Standby:”
Just because it’s a classic doesn’t mean that it isn’t especially nice to see when it’s sent on December.
11. The “Literally Just A Dick Pic:”
It’s festooned with the “it’s lit” filter from Snapchat, though. Merry Christmas.
Have you ever gotten a text like this? Did I forget any really funny ones? Let us know in the comments!