Does anyone else get the squicks just a little with the sexy Santa costumes bound to happen this year (and every Christmas before that)? Is there something inherently sexy about a benevolent, jolly fat man in a red suit giving well behaved children presents? Apparently there is. There are so many different holiday themed sex toys that I can’t burn out of my memory. I wish I could un-Google some things, but c’est la vie. While they’re still perfectly functioning sex toys the other 11 months of the year, these festive thingamabobs are here to spread holiday cheer… in bed. They jingle, they smell like Christmas cookies, and a nice amount of them vibrate. Duh.
Why do we sexualize Christmas? Because it’s funny or because it’s sexy? Maybe a little bit of both. Is it because presents are sexy? Who knows. But, if you’ve decked your halls, trimmed your tree – oh god, all of these could be construed as innuendo – I see how Christmas gets sexual now, and are stuck for an appropriate Christmas treat with your boo (or solo), have a look at these sex toys. If your partner has a sense of humor, and why shouldn’t they, these toys will go over well or at least be good for a laugh. Lest we forget, sex toys are pretty much non-returnable. Donning your slutty elf or reindeer costume to truly make this a festive occasion is optional, but the holidays are only here once a year, so make them count.
Perfect as gag gifts for friends or something silly to put under the tree for your boyfriend or girlfriend, here are 10 Christmas themed sex toys you can’t un-see.
Candy Cane Glass DildoAccording to online sex toy depot, Adam & Eve, this is one of their best sellers. The glass means you can heat it up or cool it down and apparently the top of the candy cane can work as a g-spot stimulant or handle. Who knew candy canes were so versatile? Buy this from Adam and Eve for $19.98
Jingle Bell Nipple ClampIf you're into nipple play, it looks like these jingle bell nipple clamps also come with a garland between them and a Santa-esque set of undies. Ho ho ho, yo. Buy this from Sensual Direct for $13.93
The Screaming O Horny Holiday StockingComes with multiple vibrating rings, a cock ring, finger vibes, a tongue ring, lip balm, and female orgasm enhancer cream. Talk about getting enough bang for your buck (forget this pun) this stocking is stocked with everything - even batteries! Buy this from Sensual Direct for $23.17
Christmas TuggieIt's a snuggie for your junk. A Christmas stocking, if you will. While it looks like any hand jobs using the tuggie may lead to rug burn, so maybe refrain from tugging without taking off your dick sock. Buy this fro Spencers for $7.49
Silicone Elf VibratorSanta's elves are here to help... well, just about everybody. Except that his face makes him look a little too into being used as a vibrator. Since it's waterproof and has 10 speeds, you can't deny the help-ability of this little elf. Buy this from Alibaba for $8.74
Christmas Present PastiesWhat girl doesn't want two little Santa hats for their nips? Couple that with a bow for your crotch and you're all set. The panties even come with little jingle bells at the bottom of the ribbon, so good luck wearing these under anything while trying to be subtle. Buy this from Spencers for $9.74
Santa's Little Helper DildoCandy striped with a curved tip, who wouldn't want Santa's face as a clit vibe? The website promises that this vibrator will reach your "holly jolly places," so that's something. Buy this from Spencers for $9.74
Mistletoe CondomPenis-havers, be so sure that your partner thinks this is funny before you put your dick in her face with some mistletoe on top of it because mistletoe rules. They're only $2.33 a pop, so stock up. Buy this from Sensual Direct for $2.33
Secret Santa Tingle GelThis water based lube/massage oil is here for the holidays and comes in multiple flavors, like peppermint, and comes with a vibrating tongue ring for your - as mentioned on the web site - your favorite elf. Um... Buy this from Sensual Direct for $10.39
Candy Cane and Ginger Spice LubeMore water based lube that tastes like desserts. Sweet or spicy, take your pick, this package comes with flavor options! #teamgingerbread Buy this from Amazon for $17.50
Which of these Christmas sex toys is your favorite? What did we forget? Let us know in the comments!
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