How Do You Tell Your BF You Found Something When Snooping Through His Phone?

Hi Heather,

Okay, so I need some help. Long story short, my boyfriend and I were on a break a few months ago (we’re back together now) because I found out he had been texting a girl I asked him not to text because I know she has a crush on him. I found out he had been texting her and deleting the messages because I looked through his phone. I should also mention that I have a track record of looking through his phone.

Now that we’re back together, I promised him I wouldn’t look at his phone anymore. But the other day, I used his phone to call my mom, and I saw the girl’s name on his list of recent contacts. I looked through his texts and saw all of these messages from her about wanting to visit him at school. He told her he wanted to visit so they could hang out, and she said she didn’t want to cause problems with us, and he said, “you won’t, I’m going to tell her you’re visiting and she’ll have to be okay with it.” Keep in mind their texts are flirty with lots of emojis and stuff. When he told me she was visiting his school, he had told me she was visiting a friend, so he lied to me. I kept looking the next few days and found even more flirty conversations.

I obviously found this stuff out because I snooped, and he gets really mad at me for doing that. So now I don’t know how to confront him, because if I do, he’ll turn it around on me for snooping and it will be a horrible argument that is my fault. I don’t know what to do.

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While I don’t normally condone looking through your significant other’s cell phone, in this case it seems you had a reason to. It may not have been the right thing to do or the right way to handle the obvious mistrust in this relationship, but guess what? What he’s doing sucks too. You’re both in the wrong, but in this situation, what he’s doing is worse.

I’m not sure why you two got back together after the first round of lying and backstabbing that was going on, or if you guys ever discussed these issues. But it’s clear to me that your boyfriend has not even tried to stop what he’s been doing. He’s talking to a girl you’ve told him you aren’t comfortable with, while lying and sneaking around. He asked her to visit him and then made up a fake story to tell you. That’s unacceptable! You deserve better than this, girl. This dude is a manipulative liar, and he needs to go.

You’re right – once you bring up that you looked through his texts, he probably will turn the argument around. Don’t let him. Sure, you shouldn’t have done what you did, but at this point, he’s treating you really badly. He’s making you think this is somehow your fault, and it’s not. Instead of apologizing for the wrong thing he’s doing, he’s getting mad at you. That’s beyond messed up. I think you should confront him about what you found. Apologize for looking at his phone, but ask him what is going on. And then, honestly, I think you should break up with him. If he didn’t learn from his mistakes the first time around, he is never going to. If you continue to let him do this, he will continue to do it – and by staying with him after he messes up, you are letting him do this.

The fact that your boyfriend is a liar and a cheater (maybe not physically, but emotionally) is not your fault. That is his choice and nothing you’re doing/not doing is forcing him to talk to this girl behind your back. You need to move on from this person and find someone who you can trust. One reason looking through your S.O.’s phone is so bad is that it indicates that you don’t trust that person. Trust is essential for a relationship to work, and if it’s not there, it’s going to be a very bumpy ride. Let this guy go figure out things on his own. Like I said, you deserve better.

take care,
Heather

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