If you have ever had the misfortune of existing in the sphere of conventional dating and going on a date, you probably know that dates have the potential to be the very worst part of the human experience.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. It’s just true. Like, in terms of suffering, there are a few tiers. The first tier is, obviously, things that are objectively terrible–Starvation, genocide, war, etc. Then, there is the second tier. This tier, as far as I’m concerned, is entirely filled with dates. Specifically, first dates–because, if you think about it, it’s basically the most awkward situation ever. I saw a tweet once that described it thusly:
Let's talk about TV for two hours and then later my friends and I will determine whether or not you are broken. – dating
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 5, 2015
Pretty accurate, is it not? And that’s not even taking into account the truly terrible, no good, very bad things that can happen when you take two people who don’t know each other really well, put them in milquetoast public setting with a lot of spectators (coffee shop, movie theater, etc.) who can just tell that it’s a first date, and try to figure out if, in the long run, they are compatible and would potentially like to get married and have babies. The good news? After you finish reading this post, you can be assured that all of these things won’t happen to you all at once. Well, probably. Check out the absolute worst things that can happen to you when you’re on a date:
1. Your get a surprise call from your ex:
2. Their ex actually shows up:
3. They literally never look up from their phone:
4. Out of the blue, you just start to…cry:
5. They just start to cry out of the blue:
6. You find that you are insanely attracted to them, physically…
7. But every time they speak, you want to cry:
8. Because you realize that they are the physical manifestation of all of your pet peeves:
9. Like chewing with their mouth open:
10. And talking through a movie:
11. And mansplaining, like everything:
12. And yet, still think that they can go in for a big ol’ tongue kiss at the end of the night:
13. And tell you that they love you:
14. Alternatively–and even worse–you like them, but they’re just…not into it:
15. Like, you try to make a move and they’re all “pass:”
16. And they say that they’re going to the bathroom and just…never come back:
Which, honestly, if all of the above happened? It’s probably for the best.
Have any of these things happened to you while you were on a date? Did I forget about anything? Let us know in the comments!