20 Sexual (And Inappropriate) Holiday Cards You Need To Give To Your S.O.

In the midst of holiday super sales, studying for finals or midterms, and struggling to find the perfect gifts for your loved ones, it’s easy to forget what Christmas is really about: Jesus! Christmas is a religious holiday, even though it sometimes seems like it’s more about presents. These deep religious roots make the below funny Christmas cards even more inappropriate than usual, and that’s saying something.

But hey, who said you can’t inject a little bit of fun into your holiday cards? Or, more specifically, your holiday cards to your significant other. Because I seriously doubt you’re going to want to get this sexual with a friend, and I seriously HOPE you would never give any of these to a family member. These 20 sexual and inappropriate holiday cards are actual Etsy perfection, and if you don’t get one for bae this year, then you’re doing something wrong. Check ’em out!


1. His Package Card


I’m very upset that this card has a major grammatical error, because otherwise it’s pretty perfect. Get this for your boyfriend so he knows what you’re REALLY looking for. *wink wink*

Christmas Card, $4.25, Etsy


2. Jingle Bells Card 


If someone doesn’t appreciate this wonderful play on words, they just shouldn’t be in your life anymore, tbh.

Jingle Bells Card, $4.25, Etsy


3. I Like Your Balls Card


This is direct and to-the-point, so… if you want to send this message, go for it!

Balls Card, $5.00, Etsy


4. Mistletoe Card


If you’re not quite ready to send something super sexual, no worries. This card about making out under the mistletoe is sweet and innocent compared to the other sexual ones on this list.

Mistletoe Card, $4.25, Etsy


5. Peppermint Stick Card


This would be really cute to give your boyfriend along with a package of candy canes. That makes it a little less inappropriate, right?

Peppermint Stick Card, $4.25, Etsy


6. Netflix and Chill Card


Did you REALLY think you were going to get through the holiday season without seeing a Netflix and Chill Christmas card? I mean, come on.

Netflix and Chill Card, $3.50, Etsy


7. Snowman Card


Uh, this is the best sexual innuendo of the Christmas season, and don’t even try to fight me on that. Someone buy this because it’s adorable and also really funny.

Snowman Card, $4.50, Etsy


8. Naughty List Card


Get it? On the naughty list? Because you’ve been naughty? And so… you know what, I’m going to stop right here. This is getting weird.

Naughty Light Card, $5.00, Etsy


9. Candy Cane Card


…Or are you just happy to see me? It’s one of the oldest sexual innuendos out there, but it’s also a classic. If a sexual innuendo can be a classic.

Candy Cane Card, $4.25, Etsy


10. All I Want Card 


Hey, if it’s true, then why shouldn’t it be on your Christmas card? This is kind of sweet, a little funny, and yeah… pretty inappropriate. But fun!

All I Want Card, $4.50, Etsy


11. Waiting For Santa Card



Waiting For Santa Card, $4.25, Etsy


12. 12 Days Of Christmas Card


You’ll never hear the song the same way again. This dirty version of the classic holiday hit will take away all of your innocence.

12 Days Of Christmas Card, $5.32, Etsy


13. Not So Silent Card 


Get it? A not so silent night? This holiday songs being made into sexual phrases trend needs to stick around.

Sexy Christmas Card, $4.59, Etsy


14. Tit-Mas Card


OMG. This is a card with Santa Hats on nipples. This is amazing. This is the best card I’ve ever seen.

Merry Tit-Mas Card, $4.00, Etsy


15. Emoji Card


This is the best way to use innocent emojis – put them in an order to mean sexual things and make them into an inappropriate holiday card.

Emoji Card, $4.00, Etsy


16. Eat Me Card


Get it? Eat me? Like, don’t eat that gingerbread cookie, eat… something else. Okay, fine, I’m talking about oral sex.

Eat Me Card, $2.73, Etsy


17. Is Santa Coming Card


THIS IS SO INAPPROPRIATE. But also so awesome. I can’t stop laughing.

Santa Card, $4.00, Etsy


18. Sit On Your Lap Card


Sitting on Santa’s lap never sounded so dirty. I’m kind of weirded out, tbh.

Lap Card, $4.25, Etsy


19. Wood Card


AHHHHHH. Who did this?! Why did they do it?! I have so many questions!

Wood Card, $4.65, Etsy


20. Santa Hat Card 


Send a strong message with this flirty Christmas card. Who could turn down a proposition like this one?

Santa Hat Card, $5.32, Etsy

Which of these inappropriate cards is your favorite? Which one do you think is the most sexual? Let me know in the comments!

You can follow the author, Jessica Booth, on Twitter or Instagram.


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