When I was in high school, I was far too busy to date anyone. I had very important things to do, after all, such as making Harry Potter memes, learning Maureen’s part to “Take Me Or Leave Me” from Rent, and writing vitriolic, hysterical diatribes against the Homecoming dance in my school paper.
Since then, not too much has changed. A good Harry Potter meme will definitely still get me going, I remain moved by Idina Menzel’s ultimatum, and I will still tell anyone who listens that the sweat situation at any school dance was out of control. Perhaps it’s not so surprising, then, that at this moment in time, I am still single (or, as Amy Schumer would say, my “vagina remains vacant.”). This is fine, for the most part– I think that being single is actually pretty fun–but sometimes, it is…not so fun. Particularly in those uncomfortable moments that pretty much every single girl experiences at one point or another:
1. The, “so, you dating anyone?” question that happens at any family gathering:
Forcing you to announce your exact relationship status to the world.
2. Which is then immediately followed by the “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” question:
It’s definitely my personality, Grandma. Thanks for asking!
3. People always try to set you up. With, like, anyone:
“My second cousin Steve is so. great. Give him a shot!” The intentions are good, but the outcome rarely is.
4. The fact that people act like you’re suffering from a disease that’s bound to kill you in a matter of days when they find out you’re single:
I said that I’m single. Not suffering from tuberculosis in Dickensian London.
5. Third-wheeling is basically inevitable:
You have friends. You want to hang out with them. They have baes. This is the only way.
6. The desperate, hopeful look your parents get in their eyes when you hang out with someone you could potentially be interested in:
Even if it’s just, like, a study group situation. (Plus, if there was any romantic potential, it’s all but lost if they ever see your parents.)
7. School dances:
You can go by yourself, with a friend, or muster the courage to ask out your crush. Usually, it’s the first two things that happen.
8. Those family events where everyone–your cousins, your siblings, your aunt who just got divorced–is allowed to bring whoever they’re dating:
But you’re alone because, well, you’re alone.
9. You don’t really have anything to say when you run into an ex:
You’d LOVE to be like, “Oh, this new person I’m dating? They’re so great. We’re so happy.” But, you know, you can’t.
10. Multiply that by 10,000 if you run into them while they’re definitely dating someone else and you definitely are not:
11. Your friends think it’s sooo funny to make jokes about you being “single for life:”
ONLY YOU CAN SAY THAT.
12. When people decide that it is your job to convince them that it is, in fact, to be happy while also being single:
I’d rather not. Please don’t project on me. Thanks!
Are you single? Did I miss any super-awk moments? Let us know in the comments!