The time has come. I can hold my tongue no longer, so here it is: We as a nation have been living a lie for far too long and it is time to admit the truth.
Pumpkin pie is terrible.
You guys, it’s so, so bad. It is a pathetic facsimile of a dessert. The Kevin Jonas of dessert, even. I am convinced, in fact, that the only reason why it’s been able to remain a Thanksgiving staple is because everyone is too scared to speak out against it. But I cannot take this abuse for one more day and, as such, I have accepted that I am the one who must expose the formidable reign of pumpkin pie.
And, just so everyone knows, I am not a picky eater. I am, in fact, probably the least picky eater in the world–I genuinely enjoy kale, Brussels sprouts, and Swiss chard. The only foods that I will not abide are raisins (the texture), Peeps (which are gross for every reason ever), and pumpkin pie. So, the point I am trying to make here is that I was put on this earth to be a human garbage disposal whose job is to eat anything and everything and, if my tastebuds reject something, it must be objectively disgusting.
So, here is my case against Big Pumpkin (Pie). I hope you will understand:
1. Pumpkin pie is the the worst vehicle for pumpkins:
I LIKE PUMPKINS. Just not in pie. Pumpkin bread is good. Roasted pumpkin seeds are great. Pumpkin soup is SO DELICIOUS. There’s just something about about pureeing a pumpkin and sticking it in a crust that makes it taste like GARBAGE.
2. We as a nation are suffering from Pumpkin Fatigue:
Like, Starbucks released the Pumpkin Spice Latte on September first this year. That gives us eighty-one full days of pumpkin exposure. Enough is enough.
3. Not to be gruesome, but it it kind of looks like someone mushed up one thousand Minions, roasted them to a garish orange hue, and put them in a pie so they could stew in their own filth:
Makes you think, doesn’t it?
4. Or, on a less morbid note, like someone literally melted play-doh and stuck it in a crust:
5. Its texture is problematic:
Watery yet stringy, mealy yet pasty. It’s like baby food. How is this a dessert that people enjoy?
6. If your pumpkin pie comes from a can, it’s double trash:
Source: Good Housekeeping
Many canned pumpkin fillers don’t even contain 100% pumpkin. YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING A LIE.
7. Sweet potato pie is SO MUCH BETTER:
Like, if you really need an orange pie with an ambiguously pasty filling, go with sweet potato pie. Less stringy, less mealy, less revolting.
8. As is, like, every other pie at Thanksgiving:
Apple pie! Pecan pie! YOU DON’T HAVE TO EAT A SUB-PAR PIE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TRADITION!
9. Pumpkin pie inspires people to pull B.S. like this:
DELETE THIS FROM THE INTERNET.
10. No one can be sure that Big Pumpkin hasn’t been implementing a sophisticated lobbying system that ensures that pumpkin pie will be a Thanksgiving staple for years to come:
Where did the push for pumpkin pie first come from, anyway? How did it get here? We deserve answers.
11. Just saying, no one has ever seen the Great Pumpkin and Donald Trump in a room together:
Are they one and the same? You didn’t hear it from me.
Alright, pumpkin pie stans. Do I have zero taste buds? Is pumpkin pie actually the best? Let us know in the comments!