Well, it’s almost that time of year again–just as People Magazine objectively news-worthy Sexiest Man Alive looms ominously on the horizon, so too does the threat of Thanksgiving dinner.
Now, for the most part, I like Thanksgiving. I love the revisionist history of the first Thanksgiving dinner, for example, and I also really enjoy mashed potatoes. My relatives are also great, it’s just that they…say a lot of things. And ask a lot of questions. Like a lot a lot of questions that, when they all build up, often make me want to gouge my eyes out with a turkey baster. Not that I’m being dramatic.
You definitely know what I’m taking about. To get prepared, here are the most annoying questions that your relatives are definitely going to ask you during Thanksgiving dinner. Batten the hatches and ready your quick-witted responses:
1. “So, you have a boyfriend yet?”
I really, really don’t.
2. “Ah, come on. A girl like you has to be seeing someone special.”
Sorry to disappoint?
3. “What about that nice boy from last year…? Garrison? Gerald? Gareth? Garth?”
Like, do you tell them that was cousin Lindsey’s boyfriend, his name was Garrett, and they broke up six months ago, or do you let them go on thinking that you once had a boyfriend?
4. “When I was your age, I had a gaggle of beaus who all wanted to be with me. They would serenade me on my front porch, have fist fights for my honor, and carry me on their backs on the way to school. It was a ten-mile walk, by the way. Do things like that happen to you?”
One time someone asked me to come over for Netflix and chill, does that count?
5. “Now, I have a lot of thoughts on Donald Trump, the refugee crisis, and…ISIS.”
“And I am going to say all of them, loudly, with the implicit knowledge that no one else agrees with me on anything.”
6. “Say, you’re a voice for your entire generation, right? Tell me, what is up with this Drake fellow? I don’t like him.”
7. “Now, ever since Aunt Bonnie’s divorce, she’s been a little…testy. Don’t you agree?”
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
8. Bonnie, I’ve asked everyone and we all agree–you’ve been a real pain ever since Bob left you.”
Why did you expose me, fam?
9. “Get kicked out of school yet?”
What? Why is this something relatives ask?
10. “No, but really–how is school going?”
I have, like, 300 pages of reading, two essays, and a practice SAT to do in the 96 hours that I have left of break. School is FINE. I’m FINE.
11. “Speaking of school–what are you planning on doing for the rest of your life?”
I’m fifteen. I don’t know what I’m doing next week.
12. “Remember how you you wore that Harvard sweatshirt all the time when your were little? You’re still going to Harvard, right?”
13. Your mom did an OK job on the turkey, but if I had done it…”
Please. Not now.
14. “Still a vegetarian? That means you can eat turkey though, right?”
Yep, still a vegetarian, and no. No turkey.
15. “You’re not going easy on that pecan pie, are you?”
LET ME LIVE, AUNTIE JEAN.
16. “Ah, this is nice. ALMOST as good as that year when I hosted.”
Can’t wait for next year!
Does this sound like stuff your relatives say to you? Which comments did I miss? Let us know in the comments!