Feminism is overrated. Am I right, ladies? All this progress in the women’s movement is cute and all, but heteronormativity and traditional gender roles are where it’s at. Sure, it’s great that we can vote and we no longer need our spouses or fathers to co-sign lines of credit for us. Let’s be real, the fact that we get to keep our jobs if we become pregnant is good enough – paid maternity leave can wait. I’d rather spend my valuable time debating the war on Christmas on Starbucks cups and being aggressively coy around men. After all, these laws were only put into place in the 1970’s. They’re younger than my parents! They’re really more suggestions than anything.
I don’t know about you, but I’m really into Mad Men era everything: the gorgeous dresses, the modern architecture, drinking bourbon at work (only if you’re a guy, obvi), and especially the traditional gender roles! And it’s not just 1960’s nostalgia. Everyone from Patti Stanger to popular self help books are telling you that asking guys out is all wrong. So, it’s basically science. All signs point to no! If you’re really into being a rebel, rejecting progress, and not speaking up for your own happiness, these are 16 reasons you should never ask your crush out (but you probably already knew them, anyway.)
1) You’re way into outdated sexist dating standards.
I can’t get enough of waiting by my phone for my crush to call! I live for it. But, even if he calls and we hit it off, picking fights about whether or not he opened the door or paid for the check gives me butterflies. Going through life looking at situations through an exclusively heterosexual lens is the key to happiness. Seriously, LGBTQIA people, how do you function without living in the binary?
2) You want to keep it mysterious.
But, an actual mystery! Who doesn’t love a good mystery? You crush can carefully Nancy Drew his way through those extremely subtle non-hints you’ve been dropping. That time you sat clear across the room, stared, and cosmically willed him to come over and say ‘hi’? He totally felt that. Even if he’s not into mysteries – all boys are different – he can definitely read your mind.
3) You’re really clear about how asking him out is going down and this is definitely not how it happens.
Some of you may want to as your crush out, and I get that, but sometimes things get in your way. In that dream you had where you started dating, you had your hair straight and it’s not today so that means you don’t ask him out right now. That’s how logic works right? And love? You wait for absolute perfection before exacting any move or else smash the fantasy you’ve built up and live in… what? Reality? Who needs that!
4) You don’t lean in.
Coined by Sheryl Sandberg, the term “leaning in” was originally meant to describe how women can get ahead in the work place and make more money and is now broadened to encompass ways in which all women can take control of their lives. But, again, if you’re into sitting back and waiting for the universe to deliver what you deserve like it’s Pizza Hut, by all means, do you. Make your choices. Or non-choices.
5) Listening to him talk about other girls is giving you critical, important clues.
The fact that your crush confides in you about who he’s crushing on is a very BIG clue that he’s really just speaking in code about dating you. Could it be more obvious? You’re learning about his likes and dislikes, he clearly trusts your judgement, and you’re writing down all of his thoughts and opinions then later importing them in a GoogleDoc for proper tracking and cataloging – you’re basically married!
6) You want him to date your BFF.
In the event that the girl we were just talking about is your bestie, that’s fair. Some girls want to be Cool Aunt WhateverYourNameIs to your crush’s kids and never know what could have happen if you just asked him out. And your bestie is the best person in the world. The only way this crush is going to go away is if you set him up with your best friend, encourage this relationship, then never tell either of them about your real feelings. Who needs feelings?
7) You want to skip right to being in love.
Dating is an unnecessary preamble to real love and commitment. Asking a guy out is only going to lead to awkward situations where you’re feeling so weird you basically forget how to eat with a fork. Let’s just skip right to being in love! Who needs dating? Extreme transitions in relationships are both realistic and healthy. Forget wanting to be Taylor Swift, you want to be what the media says ABOUT Taylor Swift.
8) This is not the story you want to tell your grandkids.
Since we’re already skipping to your happily ever after, when your grandkids ask how you and grandpa met, what are you going to tell them? Forget the fact that you haven’t even kissed your crush yet, let’s just protect the person he is in his 70’s, shall we? In a world where you ask him out, grow old together, and have grandchildren, let’s make sure that grandpa is the hero in this story, not you. Projecting onto your future and stressing about it is really great for your health.
9) If he says no, you will fall apart and die.
Literally. If you ask your crush out and he rejects you, your body will light itself on fire and you will melt into a puddle on site like the wicked witch of the west. It’s proven science. Look it up.
10) You’re great at overanalyzing and you’re so close to finding answers!
If you can just have six more months of agony to sit on your feelings, do some extreme cyber-stalking, and analyze his strictly platonic texts, you will come back with conclusive data about his feelings. The direct approach would be, of course, asking him – or even asking him out – but, like I said before, everything was better in the 60’s, so let’s keep it traditional.
11) You don’t want to be THAT girl.
Everyone knows “confident and sexy” is really code for “desperate and alone.” Asking out your crush is for confident women who are confident in their sexuality and you don’t want to be… confident (??)
12) You want him to chase you. Literally.
Why else am I always wearing Nikes around you, crush? Straight boys love the chase. You’ve been training for months and you want your hard work to pay off. You want him to literally chase you for a date. Go, girl!
13) You don’t want to be the boy in the relationship.
It should be noted that this tip is exclusively for girls living in the binary of both gender and sexuality. But, if a girl asks out a guy, studies show that she will spontaneously develop testicles, grow facial hair, and display an unearned confidence at work and in school. If gender is a binary, and you are one or the other, asking your crush out definitely puts you in the camp of “the other.”
14) You don’t want to scare him.
The male ego is fragile and once upset, a guy can become so frightened that they run away, change their name and phone number, and never speak to you again.
15) He’s famous.
You feel weird asking out Zayn Malik. I get that.
16) You’re afraid of him being your boyfriend.
Most significant others started out really scared of each other. It’s weird to think about this person who makes you nervous one day being the person you’re the most comfortable around, but nothing beats never knowing what would’ve been if you had the chance to get to know them better. And having a boyfriend is scary! Relationships are scary! Taking risks, speaking up for yourself and your happiness, and living a full life is for losers and progressive feminists. Ew.
Have you ever made the first move on your crush? How did it go? Tell us in the comments!
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter – especially if you understood all of this was sarcasm 🙂