If you think about it, being single is a lot like being a celebrity. Everyone wants to talk to you but, eventually, everything boils down to one question: Why the heck are you still single?
(Doubting me? Think about literally every single magazine cover that Jennifer Aniston has ever been on.)
At a certain point, simply shrugging and saying, “You know? I just haven’t found the right person yet,” doesn’t really make an impact. When that happens, feel free to use these responses:
1. “Oh, so you want to know what’s wrong with me?”
People mean well when they ask why you’re single, but it’s just a thinly masked way of saying, “You don’t seem to be a gross, unlovable sewer monster. What are you hiding?” This response calls attention to that.
2. “Well, as you know, I have a terrible personality.”
You don’t, obviously. But it’ll shut them up.
3. “We are all single, are we not? After all, no one really knows who we are. Not even ourselves.”
You’re so deep.
4. “Single? Well, you know, none of us are ever really alone, are we, considering that nobody has any privacy in this digitized, claustrophobic, trash heap of our modern world. The NSA is the only bae I’ll ever need!”
Can’t argue with this, can you?
5. “Ever since the incident, I haven’t really felt comfortable getting back out there.”
Don’t tell them what the incident is. They’ll be too scared to ask, but they’ll wonder about it until the day they die.
Just like Cher.
7. “Have you ever spoken to a teenage boy?”
Usually, this is the only reason you’ll ever need.
8. “Thank you.”
Take a leaf out of Beyoncé’s handbook and just take everything as a compliment. In fact, just say “thank you” to everything this person says–eventually, they’ll leave. With any luck, they’ll be so confused that they’ll just think that you are, in fact, Beyoncé.
9. “Probably because I did well on the PSAT.”
Guys don’t like smart girls, apparently (never let anyone tell you that heterosexuality isn’t a curse). This is good, though, because it’s a good segway for you to tout any academic successes you’ve had lately, which is much more interesting than who you are or aren’t dating at the moment.
10. “I might be single, but there’s this couple that always fights in front of my locker every morning. So, you know, I’m not lonely.”
11. Have you seen that sex scene from American Horror Story: Hotel yet?”
12. “Honestly? I just hate everyone who isn’t me.”
Straightforward. To the point. 100% true.
Would you ever use any of these responses? What did I forget? Let us know in the comments!