I keep trying to have sex with my boyfriend, and every time, his penis doesn’t fit and we can’t get it in. I’m nervous, but now I’m getting frustrated. I read that there’s a condition out there that means you can’t put things in your vagina. Could I have this? How do you know if you’re just nervous or if something is seriously wrong?
Believe it or not, many other girls have been in your exact position. While having trouble getting in a penis in your vagina comfortably isn’t something people are dying to talk about it, it is definitely something that’s pretty normal. I mean, it makes sense that it wouldn’t work like magic right away – for years, you never put anything in your vaginal area, and then you’re suddenly one day you’re expected to just do it? That’s tough!
Most of the time, not being able to fit a penis in your vag is the result of too much worrying, too many nerves, and the fact that you’re clenching up down there without even realizing it. But you’re right – there is a condition that can legitimately make it harder for you to get things in your vagina. I’m not going to diagnose you with anything through the Internet, but I did bring your question to my friend Dr. Sherry Ross from the site HelloFlo (a monthly period care package you need to check out). She has some thoughts:
First, Dr. Ross agrees with me, saying, “Pain during sex is just not talked about enough. Let’s face it: everyone has experienced pain with sex in one form or another. Common reasons women have painful sex include vaginal dryness, vaginal infections, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), vaginal tears, latex allergy from condoms, ruptured ovarian cyst, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, ‘deep penetration’ positional sex, virginal, vaginismus (involuntary closing of entrance into vagina), emotional problems, and history of sexual abuse.”
She continues: “Another common cause of painful sex is if your boyfriend’s penis size is too large for your vagina. ‘Bigger is better’ is not the case for a vagina that can’t tolerate a long and thick penis. The average penis is 5.1 inches in length and 4.8cm in diameter (girth). When flaccid (not erected), the average penis measures between three and five inches. When erect, the average penis measures between five and seven inches.
“The vagina does stretch depending on the size of the penis, but it may take time, patience, and open communication. Also, if you haven’t had a lot of sexual intercourse, your vagina may need more time to accommodate even to an average size penis. Having your boyfriend use two fingers or a vibrator to penetrate the vagina before the penis is inserted helps to relax the vagina and get your natural lubrication going. Using more lube, avoiding certain positions with deeper penetration (ie Doggie Style or from behind), and talking openly about the pain you are experiencing will help you solve most of these problems.”
Basically, this is a problem that you can work on solving, it just might take some time and patience. As Dr. Ross says, “If your frustration comes from a boyfriend with a large penis or a vagina that needs more experience, it all circles back to talking to your boyfriend honestly and openly.”
As for the second part of your question: could it be something else, like vaginismus? It’s possible, but keep in mind that vaginismus isn’t something that can easily be diagnosed and then fixed. Vaginismus is often fixed by doing exactly what Dr. Ross just told you to do. So, giving this a name isn’t exactly going to help.
Your best bet is to follow the advice above and take things slowly. Give yourself time. And if it’s been a while and it still won’t work, see a gynecologist or doctor to make sure nothing else is going on. Good luck!