My first coffee came from a man I was working with when I was 18. He handed me a styrofoam Dunkin Donuts medium, light and sweet, with the rest of my change. “They were out of iced tea,” he told me. I sipped it slowly, having finally reached a new level of New York Art Professional: I was now a committed coffee drinker.
I remember my first cup of coffee with the same romantic nostalgia I reserve for first kisses. Why?
As a kid I swore to never be THAT grown up who couldn’t live or breathe without their daily cup of coffee – no, that’s far too cliche. Welp color me basic, dudes, because I’m here and I am all about my coffee. It makes me a fully functioning, happy person.
Oh, coffee, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways (*counts* there’s 22. I love you in 22 different ways, bae. We all do.)
1) It’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning
Roll over and kiss IRL boo? Nah. #priorities
2) You get an awful headache when you miss your crucial caffeine window.
Did you think I was exaggerating when I said it made me a functioning, happy person? Caffeine headaches suck the most. We all know our exact unit of time: mine is two hours.
3) You have multiple brew-at-home coffee making options.
Would you like the French press? Or the Keurig? Or the instant? Or the pour-over? Or the standard communal pot of coffee? Oh, you’d like espresso. Well, in that case I have…
4) You know what you like in your coffee, like it’s science.
And you get weirdly science-y about it, too. There are exact sugar measurements and cream measurements that must be executed in these precise ratios depending on volume of liquid coffee. What’s more, is you know this like the back of your hand and can execute your perfect cup like it isn’t complex math.
5) That magical moment of pre-stir coffee + cream.
It’s the way they dance together. It’s f**king beautiful.
6) Your mug game is too strong.
7) There’s nothing like the first sip of hot coffee on a cold day.
8) Except, maybe, the first sip of iced coffee on a hot day.
9) You have iron-clad opinions on decaf.
It’s placebo replacement nonsense.
10) … and bulletproof.
Butter in my coffee? *shrugs* I mean, if you say so, my friends who do Crossfit.
11) … and cold-brew
Only for the hardcore. Tread carefully.
12) … and light v. medium v. dark roast
Fun facts: light roast coffee actually contains the most caffeine. WHAT?!
13) You track your seasonal flavors like it’s sports.
I know everyone’s obsessed with pumpkin spice, but it’s got nothing on my summer-jam: blueberry iced coffee with a bit of vanilla.
14) Where you’re going to get your coffee is the first question you ask when you go on vacation.
Or when you stay overnight anywhere, TBH. Your second question is “what’s the wifi password?”
15) It’s also the first question you ask when apartment hunting.
Must be under $1,000 per bedroom and within 2 blocks to at least 4 different places you can get a cup of coffee.
16) You cherish the relationship you have with your local coffee shop.
They know your name, your order, and a little bit about your life. And you know and care about them. They are important people in your life.
17) Your wallet has a stack of frequent cuppa punch cards.
There’s your place, the place by your friend’s house, the place where you write, the place by work, and the place by your boyfriend/girlfriend’s house. All of them give you a free 11th cup of coffee for your patronage and bless them, honestly, because any day that’s free coffee day is the best day ever.
18) When you can’t go local, you have a preferred chain that you’re equally loyal to.
As an east coaster who moved to Los Angeles, I had to switch from Dunkin Donuts to Starbucks and while I don’t consider myself a sell-out, it’s hard not to feel that way sometimes.
19) The passenger seat of your car is a graveyard of empty disposable coffee cups.
Guilty. I had to get a trash bag just for my car to remedy that problem.
20) Coffee is either a deal maker or a deal breaker for you.
Some people can’t deal with people who don’t share the habit. The way I see it is you don’t have someone messing with your coffee stuff. The coffee cabinet is your sacred space you don’t have to share. Win! (And yes, I said coffee cabinet. Get on my level.)
21) But you know that *true love* is when he/she brings you coffee.
In the morning. Or when I’m working and either too busy or lazy to get up and get it myself. Please. I will latte heart you forever.
22) You get weirdly defensive when someone calls it an addiction.
I’d prefer you not talk about my husband like that. My marriage is none of your business. (Love you forever, coffee. xoxoxo)
Do you love coffee? What did we forget to include? Tell us in the comments.
You can follow the author, Aliee Chan, on Twitter.