Vaginas are often reduced to this disgusting thing that pushes out blood and the occasional baby. Or, it’s just seen as a thing to put a penis in. It’s gross, unless it’s at the disposal of somebody for sexual penetration, apparently. It’s no surprise that, in turn, people with vaginas are reduced to just that: Baby makers who are there for penile comfort! Oh, sexism, stay gross!
In response, we should all try to have a little more vagina pride. I’m not saying you have to love your vag, but appreciate that it’s this weird, amazing, self-cleaning thing!
Still…whether you’re all about that cooch pride or not, one thing isn’t going to change: Our vagina can cause us to have some serious freak outs. From immaculate conception to funky smells, here are 13 paranoid thoughts literally everyone with a vagina deals with. Find the lie.
1. “Is this awful rushing sensation I’m feeling in my vag my period starting or just really intense discharge?”
Deep breath: This can be the worst, right? Maybe wear pantyliners a few days before you’re expecting your period so that you aren’t worried. Oh, and carry your menstrual products of choice with you in your purse, just so there are no surprises. If you have an extra pair of undies tucked away somewhere, that’s good, too. But be careful, pantyliners can actually trap bacteria down there and lead to infections. Why? Because the vag can’t breathe! So you do you, with caution.
2. “Can I get pregnant even though I haven’t had sex recently? I mean, I’ve watched enough episodes of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant to know that I have to be on alert at all times, okay?”
Deep breath: LOL, I know, this thought has gone through all of our heads. But get real, you probably aren’t the victim of an immaculate conception. Chill, boo!
3. *Shows no real signs of a yeast infection* “I THINK I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION.”
Deep breath: Listen, if your discharge isn’t an odd color, isn’t an odd texture, and isn’t smelly, you probably don’t have a yeast infection. Don’t waste money on those kits that tell you if your vagina’s PH is high, especially if you’re just in the midst of a freak out. If you’re still worried, though, check out this post about yeast infections.
4. “Is my tampon leaking? Oh God, oh God, OH GOD.”
Deep breath: …Well, it might be. But sometimes, we just feel a rush of blood, check our undie status, and discover that everything is okay. But, to stay on the safe side, wear a panty liner during your heaviest days. I know, it’s a pain, but if you’re paranoid, it’ll help you.
5. “Er, is my labia weird looking?”
Deep breath: LOL, no. Literally everybody’s labia folds look different. Some people have big labias, some have small ones. Some have asymmetrical labias, others have discolored ones. Your labia is fine!
6. “Do I have more vaginal discharge than normal? I THINK I HAVE A YEAST INFECTION.”
Deep breath: Who else is always worried that they have a yeast infection or some other vaginal infection? I know I can relate, but I’m less worried about it now that I’m more informed about my discharge. It changes in consistency and amount depending on how far or close I am to my period, my stress level, etc. But listen: Some people just have a lot of vaginal discharge, and you might be one of them! I know that it’s annoying to have a lot of discharge, but it’s better to have a lot of discharge that isn’t infected than a little discharge that is.
7. “Can anyone tell that I’m wearing a maxi pad in these pants?”
Deep breath: I mean, maybe if you’re wearing the tightest pants on the universe. But chances are, you aren’t. And chances are, nobody is scoping out your butt like that anyway. Go for thinner pads, though, if you’re really worried!
8. “OMG I’M PROBABLY GOING TO BE INFERTILE BECAUSE I ALWAYS CHILL WITH A HOT AF LAPTOP ON MY LAP.”
Deep breath: I’m not going to lie, I think about this constantly. If you worry about this, too, you’ll be relieved to know that there isn’t a known connection between having a laptop in your lap and becoming infertile. The only known relation between high heat and infertility is present in people with penises. You’re in the clear.
9. “Does my vagina smell weird? What is my vagina supposed to smell like? Why doesn’t it smell good?”
Deep breath: Your vagina isn’t supposed to smell good. It smells like a vagina, not flowers, or fresh mown grass, or Chanel No. 5. Your vagina smells like vagina. The only time you need to be worried about your vagina’s smell is if it smells fishy or like actual garbage roasting on a hot New York City street. Otherwise, you’re good.
10. “Okay, but does my cooch taste funky? I need to know for…oral sexy times reasons.”
Deep breath: Just like vaginal smell, your vagina isn’t supposed to taste great either. If you ever read some sexy piece of writing that described a woman’s lady bits tasting sweet or like honey, don’t listen to it. You were lied to. Vaginas taste like vagina, and a vagina can taste differently depending on showering schedules, sweat, etc.
11. “My period is a few days late, so I must be pregnant, right? RIGHT?”
Deep breath: Periods can be thrown off for all sorts of reasons. Stress, birth control flubs, extreme diet changes, exercise…Don’t freak out and break out a pregnancy test just because you’re a few days late. If you’re well over a week late and had unprotected sex recently, then you can start to get a little concerned. But honestly, periods are funky, so try to stay calm
12. “Was that queef super loud or…?”
Deep breath: Maybe, but who cares? Queefs are funny, queefs are normal, and for some, queefs are a turn on. Queef on!
13. “WHAT IF I I SHAVE MY BITS OFF WHILE SHAVING MY VAGINA?”
Deep breath: First of all, you don’t shave your vagina. You shave your pubis mons. Second of all, make sure to push your labia, clit, etc out of the way if you’re shaving down there! As long as you do that, your bits will be fine. I know, the thought crosses my mind when I’m getting to work down there, too, but this isn’t a horror movie. You’re more careful than you think!
Relate to any of these paranoid thoughts? What other paranoid thoughts do you have about your vagina? Tell us in the comments!