Why do we keep subjecting ourselves to the horrible, embarrassment-filled ritual we call “dating?” Because no matter how cynical or sarcastic we may be, we believe in true love. We all secretly hope that at the end of the dark tunnel lies someone who gives us butterflies and listens to our problems and loves to cuddle. And, hey, if it happens in movies, it’s gotta happen in real life, right?! Isn’t that how things work?
But dating is a combination of nerves and trying too hard and the fear of being judged, and that could not be more true when it comes to first dates. The fact that some of them end well is a miracle. More often then not, you come home with a hilarious story to tell your friends. Hey, at least you have that! We scoured Reddit to find some of the worst first date horror stories ever. Here are 10 you won’t believe:
He Physically Hurt His Dateused books: I had a first date set up and I was extremely nervous with a dry mouth, sweaty palms... the whole nine yards. I washed and cleaned my car. I took a shower with fancy soaps, trimmed my nest of pubes, powdered my balls, and shaved my face. I was ready! I drove up to her house, shook hands with her mother, met the family, made jokes and broke the ice. I was still nervous, but it was subsiding, and I was on my way to victory. I remembered to open the car door for her and proceeded to slam the door on her leg as she was getting situated. Date over. 🙁 Source: iStock
She Ended Up Acting As His TherapistVerrucaSalt: He was hot. Tall. Ripped. Our first date consisted of no conversation at dinner - not one word other than food orders. I gave up talking and decided to enjoy the meal, figuring this was over before it started. We finished and go outside to the beach. I start to say, "Bye" when he suddenly pulls me to him and starts kissing me. Then he pushes me away and starts sobbing (like gasping, gulping sobs that echoed around the beach). He kneels in the sand, and I get down by him pretty concerned, thinking that maybe someone died or something traumatic had happened. Then he starts talking. His previous GF (of two whole weeks) had decided to see other people. His crying got louder and he started pounding the sand with his fists. I tried to calm him down at least (and shut him up) and ended up playing counselor for a few hours. He called me every night for a week after that and wouldn't talk. Just cry. Source: iStock
The Girl Took One Look And Said 'Nah'samtravis: So I met this girl on the internet, and she seemed really nice and down-to-earth. We had a lot in common, including our hobbies and politics and stuff like that, so I was thinking we might hit it off. We agreed to meet up in person at a Kaladi Brothers coffee place. Now, bear in mind that I'm not super attractive, so up to this point she hasn't seen any pictures of me, instead we have pre-arranged recognition signals. She walks in the door and I spot her by her clothing instantly, and start waving. She gets this sort of uncertain look on her face and walks over and says "Sam?" and when I say yes, she just says "Haha....no" and walks out. Source: iStock
He Made Fun Of Her Weightnights mystic: I went to dinner with a guy. First, he picked me up and said "You don't weigh 115. You're at least 125!" I assure you, I'm 115. Second, he told me what to order. "You can have a cup of soup or a side salad." (He ordered a burger and fries) Third, he asked for my arm, I gave it to him. He told me to relax and 'jiggled' my 'arm fat'. Proceeded to say "You'll do. I usually like them taller and more in shape." First, I am in good shape. I'm not a body builder, but at the time I was doing cross fit AND I train horses. Eventually, he asked if we could have separate checks. Me being me, I looked him dead in the eye, then at the waitress and said "No, he will be paying for my 'side salad'." I got up and left. Source: iStock
Their First Date Ended At The Hospitalanonymous: I went to this bakery with a guy and proceeded to talk about something dumb my father did to embarrass me. I then find out his father shot himself when he was nine. Oh. We move onto some other acceptable topic. Everything is going well, when I knock over extremely hot coffee on his crotch. I apologize profusely - the guy sticks it out, smiles, date continues, and the food finally arrives. He shoves the pastry into his mouth so he can try it, begins to have allergic reaction, and can't find his EpiPen. We go to hospital. The end. Source: iStock
He Laughed When She FellEntercustomnamehere: On my first date ever, I pulled the chair out for her. She didn't see and fell to the ground. You know those times where you aren't supposed to laugh? Turns out that was one of those times. Source: iStock
Her Date Ended Up Being Marriedvvo: I had met a really nice guy near where I work. He invited me to dinner on a Sunday. He picked me up, and we went to a nice place. We had just been handed our menus when his wife showed up. I had no idea he was married. It wasn't like divorced, or separated, or anything like that. She went off on him right there in the middle of the restaurant. I've never been so embarrassed. I just walked outside and called my sister to pick me up. Source: iStock
He Got Diarrhea, But She Thought She Was Stood Upshowboats: I was on a first date with a cute girl that was going really well, when suddenly I was overcome with a violent case of Montezuma's revenge. I calmly excused myself and walked to the bathroom as fast as I could without it being obvious that I was sprinting. I managed not to destroy any of my clothes, but it took me about 10 minutes to clean the bathroom up and douse myself with the air freshener spray they had in the bathroom. When I came back, she was gone and the waiter was standing next to the table. He had asked my date where I went, and she started crying and stormed out. She never returned my calls or texts after that. Source: iStock
He Got Them Stranded In The Woodsfacetrolled: I had been talking to a girl on Tinder for about 2-3 weeks before we decided to meet up. I took her on a motorcycle ride to a park about 20 minutes away (and pretty much in the middle of nowhere). We got off the bike, sat at a picnic table and just talked for about an hour. We get up to leave, and I realize I left the lights on... the whole time. I'm like ,"This battery is going to be toast..." It was. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to bump-start my bike, awkwardly saying "I swear I'm not a serial killer". How I ended up with her is beyond me. Source: iStock
She Asked Him For MoneyPaJamieez: A girl asked if she could borrow twenty bucks on a first date once. Source: iStock
Which of these stories was the worst? What was your worst first date like? Let us know in the comments below!