Do you hear that? It’s the sound of suitcases zipping, car trunks slamming, and mothers weeping all across the land.
That’s right, folks–college orientation week is approaching at fine institutions of higher learning all over the nation. Now, given that this week is rather misleadingly referred to as “O-Week” at many universities, there is understandably a good deal of confusion as to what happens during its duration. You’re probably asking yourself, “Will I have any friends?” “How many ice breakers must I endure, really?” and “Will the president of my university REALLY personally haze me for being from out of state, as I have heard people talking about on the totally accurate Facebook group?”
Well, baes, no need to worry. Here is what ACTUALLY happens during orientation week:
1. Find a new pack of friends that you’re SURE you’ll be together with forever…
“You’re from Ohio, too? Great, let’s be best friends!”
2. Until you realize that you actually have nothing in common.
Protip: The same home state does not a friendship make.
3. Attend every orientation activity EVER with this very hastily-formed #squad.
Which is, of course, every single person on your hall. There’s no time to discriminate now! You’ll create factions later on.
3. You’ll also spend about a week trying to become besties with your randomly-selected roommate…
What could be better than living with your BFF?
4. Only to realize that you’re probably better off as just sorta-kinda-friends.
Nothing like giving it the “ol’ college try,” amirite?
5. You’ll roll up to orientation meetings like, “Hey what’s up hello, I am obviously the queen of this entire university.”
Confidence is key.
6. But be reduced to tears by the cruel rites of name games and “fun fact” games (in which you will think, “oh god, oh god, WTF IS my fun fact), in which you inevitably pronounce everyone’s name wrong.
Ice breakers: The ultimate equalizer!
7. Your RA will be all like “Hey guys. I’m here for YOU, ’cause I’m not like the OTHER RAs.”
But you’ll be skeptical, given that they just made you play two full hours of the name game.
8. You’ll quickly run out of patience with the random bros on your hall who insist on breaking out the guitars and ukuleles and “just jamming out.”
It never stops. Just get used to it. You’ve never hated John Mayer so much before!
9. You’ll develop crushes on, like, everyone you encounter.
Everyone seems super attractive during orientation week. It’s unclear what happens afterwards.
10. You’ll do your very best to “live it up” at a cool college party.
But be distracted by other things, like trying not to think about what, exactly, is making the floor so particularly sticky.
11. You’ll see all of the people that you friended/ friended you on Facebook from the “Freshman Class Of 2019” Facebook page across the quad.
You’ll think about talking to them…
12. But actually just try to look like you’re texting whenever they pass.
You will never speak, but you will always feel like you’ve had a brief run-in with a minor celebrity.
13. Try to go on a “date” with someone to the dining hall.
Corey from the third floor is pulling out ALL the stops. Gonna make it rain food dollars.
14. Sign up for every. club. ever. during the activities fair.
Get ready for the hundreds of emails that you can’t unsubscribe from until you graduate!
15. You’ll try your very best to listen to student presentations on safe sex and studying techniques, but find that it is…just not possible.
You get to watch a bored student volunteer put a condom on banana, though, which is always a treat!
16. On the final night of orientation, you’ll all be rounded up (in an ostensibly “sentimental” place) to hear the alma mater and fight song.
You’re also going to have to sing along. It’s terrible.
17. For the entire week, YikYak will be on fire.
If you are not familiar with YikYak, it is an app that was created pretty much for the sole purpose of cyberbullying on college campuses. So, you know, it’s the WORST, but if there is ever a time to be on it, it is definitely orientation week. So many freshman trying to prove their (anonymous) internet dominance!
18. Finally, you’ll think you’ll be able to say goodbye to your parents in a totally chill manner…
19. But be an actual puddle of tears when you say bye.
It’s okay. You’ll miss them.
Are you excited for college orientation? What did I miss? Let us know in the comments below!