There’s a line in a the Nirvana song “Get Away” that says, “Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you.” As a teen, I never appreciated how much I related to that line, mostly because I’m paranoid AF and I have been for as long as I can remember. Sure, maybe it’s because I’m just an anxious person, but regardless of its root, my paranoia is so exhausting and usually so ridiculous that it’s almost funny in retrospect.
From worrying about rare illnesses to whether or not people are whispering about me, I deal with it all. But there’s no way I can be alone. Come on, out with it. There’s gotta be a few of y’all who are paranoid about at least one of these 21 things.
This might make us seem super self-centered, but we don’t mean to be! We’re just…neurotic. Send help.
1. When somebody is whispering near you and starts laughing, you’re thinking, “Oh God…are they talking about me?”
2. The second you feel pain somewhere in your body, you look up your symptoms on the internet and convince yourself that it’s cancer.
3. You’ve definitely stood on a sidewalk and wondered what would happen if a car ran onto the curb and hit you.
4. Anytime you feel sick while wearing a tampon you’re sure you’ve managed to develop toxic shock syndrome.
5. When your mom or dad texts “Call me” and you think that somebody is in the hospital or died.
6. Any weird noise in your house in the middle of the night is definitely either a ghost, a murderer, or a ghost murderer.
7. You low key freak out when the back and forth convo between you and your crush suddenly stops after you texted last. Were you unfunny? Did you turn them off? Did they finally catch on to how much of a weirdo you are?
8. You wonder if a tweet that is definitely not about you is somehow a subtweet all about you.
9. When people suddenly stop talking as you approach you’re convinced that they were either just talking about you or that they absolutely hate you and are dreading the incoming conversation.
10. You’re the biggest worry wart in relationships because you’re panicked that your S.O. is always annoyed with you and wishes they were with someone else.
11. You’ve written something on Tumblr about someone who will definitely never stumble upon your blog…and you deleted the post anyway just in case they happened to do it that day.
12. You’ve definitely believed that a car was following you before and thought someone was out to get you like in a movie or something. Nobody was following you.
13. You’re hesitant to correct something that you know is wrong because OMG what if you’re actually wrong and manage to ruin everything.
14. No, really, you’re convinced that you have a disease of some sort biding its time inside your body, waiting to cause havoc. And, like, kill you and stuff.
15. You think you’re pregnant even when the chances of being pregnant are literally impossible.
16. You’re worried that you’ll come back to a burnt down home because you left the oven, iron, or stove on.
17. There are some people who follow you on social media who you think are way too cool to be following you, so you periodically check to make sure they haven’t unfollowed you yet.
18. You’ve considered a lot of horrible ways to die, TBH.
19. You’re worried that people are mad at you a little too often.
20. You’re convinced that any photo of you makes you look like a bridge troll so you demand to see them immediately after they’re taken.
21. And if you can’t relate to any of the previous 20 things…you can’t deny scrolling through someone’s Instagram with laser-sharp precision out of the fear that you might accidentally like a post from 37 weeks ago.
What are you the most paranoid about? What else should be on this list? Tell us in the comments!