Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
I don’t. This is because I am assuming that Ms. Katy Perry meant “plastic bag” as a euphemism for “bladder” and the fact of the matter is that my bladder is literally never empty.
But then again, maybe I just have bladders on my mind because I *literally* always have to pee. Ever since I was a young lass, this has been the case: I am a thirsty individual, so I drink a lot of water (What can I say? I like my pee like a Scientologist likes their thetan: clear), which probably doesn’t help things, either. The point is, I always, always, always have to pee. If you do too, you’ll understand these 20 struggles:
1. You can pee on command.
Even if you don’t have to pee…you have to pee.
2. Your friends often introduce you as their friend who always has to pee.
My friend Shayna once presented me to a large group by saying, “This is Sara, the one with the kitten-sized bladder.”
3. Every time you get really into something–writing a book, watching a movie, writing a paper–it’s interrupted by your bladder.
Bladders ruin lives.
4. Flying is an actual nightmare for you because every time you have to pee (which is, you know, inevitable) you have to force your way out of a tiny airplane seat past your disgruntled seat mates, all for the…airplane bathroom.
5. You’ve peed in some…questionable locations.
I do not endorse peeing outside, because you can get in a lot of trouble for that. But sometimes when you have to go…you have to go. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that.
6. Your bedtime routine goes something like this: Pee, drink final glass of water, pee, wash face, pee, brush teeth.
Then you pee one more time and it’s off to bed for you!
7. You can’t remember the last time you slept through the night without having to get up to pee.
Must be nice.
8. Every time you enter a new location, the first thing you do is scope out the bathrooms.
If you don’t already know where they all are, that is.
9. Your friends ask you what’s wrong if you leave to go somewhere and you don’t pee before you go.
They’re just looking out for you.
10. Anytime you go to a restaurant with a booth, you make sure to sit at the edge.
It’s just common courtesy.
11. You endure constant inner battles over whether or not to drink coffee and soda because you know they will just make your situation worse.
12. Waterfalls aren’t soothing to you, because they just make you have to pee:
13. So does this:
14. And this:
15. It is INSANE to you that some people can sit through a whole movie without having to pee.
THAT’S TWO FULL HOURS WITHOUT PEEING.
16. You’ve wondered if you have some sort of rare disease because peeing this much simply can’t be normal.
You probably don’t. I’ve WebMD’d it many a time. But still.
17. Your teachers always think you’re trying to get out of class since you ask for the bathroom pass at LEAST once a class.
I love learning, I promise! I *also* just really have to pee.
18. You scoff at people who have anxiety over peeing in a cup at the doctor’s.
19. You think peeing is a reasonable response to, well…anything.
What? Might as well find a purpose for it.
20. Now that you’ve finished this list, you’re probably heading off to go pee.
If you haven’t already.
Are you a constant peer? Did this make you have to pee? Let us know in the comments below!