Ask A Guy: Is It Okay That My Boyfriend Watches Porn?

Hey Joel,

I know my boyfriend must watch porn. We argue about him previously watching it because it made me feel distanced from him and inadequate. I am beginning to be more open however to the idea that he might need stimulation to masturbate when we are not together. He does not watch it often, and our sex life is very healthy. However, I still feel very uneasy about the subject and about him watching porn.

What makes me feel uneasy is that men must scout out specific porn to watch, and I don’t know (because after many arguments, the topic is off limits and taboo,) what he is “into.”

From a guy’s perspective, one who watches porn occasionally, does this make guys feel any differently to their partners sexually?

My boyfriend claims it’s not a big deal and means nothing. But is this true? Does his watching other women make him think differently of me? Does it make him want somebody differently? Does this type of arousal make him wish I were different? Does he look at me more inadequately?

Few things can cause as many relationship problems as discussions surrounding porn, and with all the intricacies of your current situation, there is really no easy answer. However, the fact that your sex life is healthy is a very good thing, and if sounds like you have good overall perspective on the situation.

Since your sex life is healthy, I doubt he sees you as inadequate or inferior, as he’d stop getting freaky with you if that were the case. However, that doesn’t mean it can’t still make you very self-conscious and that may be a point you want to raise. His inability to be forthright with you is making you feel substandard, and he needs to work to rectify that.

Your concern over his unwillingness to talk about the type of porn he prefers is very much justified, as even if he watches “a bit of everything” or “nothing specific,” the fact that he refuses to give you any insight is troubling. Even if he is into something slightly risqué (but legal), his inability to tell you the details or even a bit of description speaks to a lack of trust or comfort between the two of you. On the flip side, if he’s into something that is less than legal, that raises its own list of problems, and it can be even worse in the end.

However, getting him to actually disclose what it is that gets him going when you’re not around is far beyond tricky, as putting constant pressure or an ultimatum on him is just going to backfire. Also, attempting to snoop his browser history is a bit much, and chances are, he’s clearing it each time to be sure you don’t find out.

The best advice I can offer is to remind him that your relationship is a completely judgment-free space, and tell him you want to know his sexual fantasies, so perhaps you can fulfill them –with an emphasis on the perhaps.


Guys watching porn is almost inevitable in modern times, and the more open discussion you can have about it, the healthier your relationship will be. If he insists on keeping it completely secret, that’s pretty suspect, and may be the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Best of luck!

Joel

Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube.. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

Are you confused about a guy? Do you find yourself wondering, “What is he thinking?” Tell us everything in the comments! And if you have a question for Joel, email him at askaguy@gurl.com!

What should you do if your boyfriend hasn’t said “I love you” after a year

Follow Gurl, pretty please!
FacebookTwitterTumblr and Instagram


Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
Tags: , , , ,
  • Nicholas Paragano

    yes it is ok

  • Carmella

    Hiya, I need some advise about a guy I’m head over heels for. There’s an extra hot guy at my job who unfortunately I supervise that I like so much but not sure how he feels about me. He has more Han a few admirers at our company but he tells me all about how he dislikes all of them because they have no substance but prefers to be around me since in some how different. We spend hours talking everyday, going to lunch and we’ve even started this vegan diet together and plan on going jogging soon but I don’t know if he is just being nice, kissing up to the boss or actually wants me. We have so so much in common and this might sound crazy but sometimes I feel like he’s my soul mate because we are so intuned with each other to the point it feels like we’ve known each other for years but it’s been two months. The thing is he compliments me, always finds an excuse to sit in my office and talk to me but never really flirts with me or shows any real direct clues that he likes me only asking me deep questionings about my life, upbringing, goals, views etc. He is a Scorpio and very mysterious while I’m an Aries girl and a real open book. He asked me out for drinks a month ago, stood me up, then rescheduled but we ended up never going up and I’m afraid to bring the subject back up. He says he is shy and likes confident aggressive women which I usually am but I clam up sometimes around him because I like him so much. A few times I complimented him on how brilliant he is, he seemed a little uncomfortable and didn’t get the response I wanted. He also at first use to text me very often even on our days off, now he’ll text only a few times a week outside of the hours we spend together at work. I know he may be scared to date me because he told me he had sex with two of his last bosses and it cost him his job. Truthfully I really feel I can handle sleeping with him and not getting jealous by all he attention he gets however he doesn’t know that. I’m also not sure how to make the first move or how to stir our oftentimes very friendly conversations to more intimate topics. He also teaches me a lot, constantly giving me unsolicited advise and buys me lunch which I like by again don’t know if he wants me or just being nice. All of the workers already think we’re dating and gossiping since we are together so much which I don’t care about and think is kind of cute. Please tell me what my next move should be. Should I be patient and wait forever for him to come on to me and ask me out again or invite him out for drinks again and risk possibly getting blown off? We will still be going jogging together soon but him inviting me to do hat and being hot and sweaty with him doesnt mean he likes me. Please help ?

    • Ahmed Naqvi

      Hey there Carmella, I’m a guy and I can kinda see whats up pretty clearly. He likes you, but he’s a really really shy guy and has no idea how to initiate. He’s probably unsure about whether you like him back, he’s probably thinking the same stuff as you. I know you’ve complimented him, but you have to make a move if you really do like him. Tell him that you think he’s cute and that you’d love to go out and get drinks with him. be bold, he’ll like that 🙂 Good luck!

  • Carmella

    Hiya, I need some advise about a guy I’m head over heels for. There’s an extra hot guy at my job who unfortunately I supervise that I like so much but not sure how he feels about me. He has more Han a few admirers at our company but he tells me all about how he dislikes all of them because they have no substance but prefers to be around me since in some how different. We spend hours talking everyday, going to lunch and we’ve even started this vegan diet together and plan on going jogging soon but I don’t know if he is just being nice, kissing up to the boss or actually wants me. We have so so much in common and this might sound crazy but sometimes I feel like he’s my soul mate because we are so intuned with each other to the point it feels like we’ve known each other for years but it’s been two months. The thing is he compliments me, always finds an excuse to sit in my office and talk to me but never really flirts with me or shows any real direct clues that he likes me only asking me deep questionings about my life, upbringing, goals, views etc. He is a Scorpio and very mysterious while I’m an Aries girl and a real open book. He asked me out for drinks a month ago, stood me up, then rescheduled but we ended up never going up and I’m afraid to bring the subject back up. He says he is shy and likes confident aggressive women which I usually am but I clam up sometimes around him because I like him so much. A few times I complimented him on how brilliant he is, he seemed a little uncomfortable and didn’t get the response I wanted. He also at first use to text me very often even on our days off, now he’ll text only a few times a week outside of the hours we spend together at work. I know he may be scared to date me because he told me he had sex with two of his last bosses and it cost him his job. Truthfully I really feel I can handle sleeping with him and not getting jealous by all he attention he gets however he doesn’t know that. I’m also not sure how to make the first move or how to stir our oftentimes very friendly conversations to more intimate topics. He also teaches me a lot, constantly giving me unsolicited advise and buys me lunch which I like by again don’t know if he wants me or just being nice. All of the workers already think we’re dating and gossiping since we are together so much which I don’t care about and think is kind of cute. Please tell me what my next move should be. Should I be patient and wait forever for him to come on to me and ask me out again or invite him out for drinks again and risk possibly getting blown off? We will still be going jogging together soon but him inviting me to do hat and being hot and sweaty with him doesnt mean he likes me. Please help ?