By now, you’ve most likely heard the news: Ariana Grande, renowned duck-facer and celebrated advocate of feminist Twitter rants, has revealed herself to be a “malicious” licker of doughnuts. Being a malicious doughnut-licker is bad enough, but she apparently hates America too–Ariana said so herself, right after the licking incident occurred. Obviously, the police are now investigating the incident.
Ariana has since apologized, but this apology–in which she blamed her lack of patriotism on America’s obesity crisis and ignored the fact that she actually licked donuts for no apparent reason–merely led to more questions than before. We know that you licked the doughnuts, but why did you lick them, Ariana??? What does it mean?? Who made you do this???!!
I am, of course, obsessed with this story. As far as I am concerned, th>is is the era of #DoughnutGate and we, the America lovers and non doughnut-lickers (I assume), are just living in it. (You can find out more about this in my future documentary for fellow #DoughnutGate truthers, Fahrenheit 375 [the temperature at which doughnuts bake]). Come down this rabbit hole with me. Here are 15 of the best #DoughnutGate reactions that will make you, too, a #DoughnutGate #Truther:
1. This headline says everything and nothing at the same time. We have to go deeper.
2. Ariana has given her statement, yes. But who will speak for those voiceless, licked doughnuts?
Well I feel bad for the donuts. No-one is speaking up for them… #donutgate
— Diane Warren (@Diane_Warren) July 8, 2015
3. SHUT UP WE CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS.
— jelly London (@JellyLondon) July 9, 2015
5. Could this really be the leaker? It is true that Mariah doesn’t like copycats.
6. WE WILL NOT “CHILL” UNTIL WE KNOW THE #TRUTH
7. Well, yeah.
8. AND THE TRUTH BEGINS TO COME OUT.
9. FURTHER PROOF oh god oh god was this an inside job?
— Michael Buckley (@buckhollywood) July 9, 2015
10. And then Rob Lowe decided to get involved. What’s his stake in this??
— Rob Lowe (@RobLowe) July 8, 2015
11. #Priorities (but, like, please don’t actually throw doughnuts at people. That’s even worse than licking them).
12. BUT AT WHAT COST?
14. This is from the deep #DoughnutGate conspiracy section of Tumblr.
15. It’s sad, really, the lengths to which young starlets must go to remain #quirky and #relatable to their fans.
Who amongst us hasn't licked a donut and maligned a nation?
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) July 9, 2015
What do you think about Ariana’s doughnut-licking? Are you as offended as the rest of the world appears to be? Let us know in the comments below!
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