I recently started dating my boyfriend, but it feels like he is closer to his girl best friend than me. Obviously this makes sense as I haven’t known him as long as he’s known her. They dated before they became best friends. He always talks to her, and I find myself getting really jealous. She jokes with him in sexual ways, but then she also talks about how heartbroken she is about another guy. He doesn’t like it when she flirts and tells her to stop. But recently she started to feel left out because my boyfriend and I have started hanging out more. She gets really jealous and yelled at him for ignoring her for me. We resolved the problem and she apologized for her behavior, but she is obviously still jealous and making comments. How can I stop her from being so clingy with him and being jealous? And how can I stop myself from being jealous too?
Wow, there is definitely a lot going on here. Two jealous girls and one guy is not a good situation at all! I can understand where your jealousy is coming from. It’s hard to feel like you’re competing with his best friend/ex-girlfriend, especially when she so obviously wants to be the most important person in his life. Something needs to be done here, and I think you need to start by having a conversation with your boyfriend.
Let him know how you’re feeling about this. It’s okay to admit that you’re jealous. If he knows you’re uncomfortable, that might make him change his behavior or talk to her about it. At the same time, don’t make him feel like he has to choose either you or his friendship. It’s okay if he has a girl best friend (and I think you get that!), but he needs to make sure he’s treating both of you fairly.
Already did that? Great – now talk to her. Will that be a super tough and awkward conversation? Uh, yeah, it will (sorry). But it needs to be done. You’re having a problem with this girl, and you should deal with it directly instead of only through your boyfriend. While it’s fine for them to be friends, it’s not fine for her to flirt with him in a sexual way while he has a girlfriend. That’s disrespectful.
It sounds to me like this girl is trying to assert her dominance over you. For three years, your boyfriend was her best friend (and at some point her boyfriend). She is used to being the number one person in his life. And then you came along, and he started spending more time with you than her. That’s totally normal, but she doesn’t like it because it means she’s losing some of her “power” over him (for lack of a better word). In short, she needs to chill. She needs to understand that she doesn’t own your boyfriend and that he’s allowed to make his girlfriend a priority over her sometimes. She needs to respect his relationship with you, and she’s not really doing that right now.
Have a mature conversation with her, whether it’s in person or via text. Let her know you don’t want to make them stop being friends, you just want everything to be more comfortable. Tell her that her sexual flirting makes you feel uncomfortable and you’d like her to stop. Explain that you’re not trying to take him away from her, and you just want everything to be friendly. Maybe that will calm her down a bit.
If she doesn’t stop after a talk with you, or if she gets worse, your boyfriend may need to talk to her himself… and maybe step back a bit. If she can’t bring herself to respect your relationship, she may have stronger feelings for him. Just be open and honest with everyone and hopefully things will work out. Good luck!
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