Kissing is amazing: you’re literally touching the insides of your body to another person’s insides. Sure, it’s super gross, but in a weird way it’s also pretty magical. Just think how many spells a good kiss has broken in Disney movies!
But kissing doesn’t always mean “happily ever after.” It can also be completely horrifying. When tongues, slobber, and nerves combine, a lot of awkward situations arise. Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to recuperate after a bad smooch session. I asked a few of my friends to share the stories of their worst kisses, and here’s what they came up with:
A Bite To Remember"A guy was walking me home from a party late at night. We’d been friends for the summer and had been texting a lot, so I was excited to see where things would lead. As we got to my place I said, 'Well, this is me,' and he grabbed me by the waist. Exciting! I closed my eyes and leaned in for a kiss... only to have my bottom lip almost bitten clean off. I tried steering him into some different techniques, but he was super set on having my lip for dinner. I told him I was tired and bolted into my apartment, never to make out with the hungry hunk again. Ouch!" Stock photo © pollux
The Puker"Prepare yourself, this is going to get graphic. So, I was making out with my boyfriend on our bed. He was on top of me, and I guess he wasn’t feeling well because out of nowhere he puked straight in my mouth, and OF COURSE that made me puke. There we were one minute in a romantic embrace and the next covered in throw-up. I couldn’t even look at him for a week." Stock photo © DRB Images, LLC
The Thanks For Washing My Face With Your Tongue"I was kissing someone I had met on Tindr (I know, my first mistake), and things were going well. I hadn’t kissed someone in a really long time, so I was pleased with this turn of events. That is, I was before he started exploring the region beyond my lips with his tongue. Um, what?! I felt like my face was in a car wash. No thanks, dude, I can clean that on my own." Stock photo © ivo Gretener
The Darter"I think my worst kiss was with a guy who kept darting his hard, pointy tongue in and out of my mouth. It wasn’t necessarily doing anything, just moving around and making me feel uncomfortable. It was like he was trying to French kiss (yay!) but his tongue was actually a mean, prodding stick (boo!)." Stock photo © CREATISTA
The Ol' Creepy Eyes"I was getting into this kiss when I opened my eyes. What did I see but two brown eyes staring back at me! Thinking maybe he had just opened them for a second, I went back into my thing, I was feeling his eyes on me so I checked again, and he was indeed boring into my soul with his pupils. It just felt way too intense for a first kiss."
The Tight-Lipped Smoocher"I was feeling really great chemistry with a guy from my acting class, and the day finally came when he asked me out on a date! We were in the parking lot after an amazing concert when he leaned in and planted one on me. AND THEN HE JUST STAYED THERE. He didn’t open his mouth or even move his body. All he did was press his lips against mine like a freaking piece of plasterboard. *sigh* What a shame." Stock photo © DRB Images, LLC
The Pecking Problem"I was seeing a guy who was super sweet but really awkward. His nervousness didn’t bother me, and in fact I found it endearing. But when the awkwardness transferred over to the kissing arena, I was less amused. He would just do a series of small, short kisses. PECK, PECK, PECK – just like a freaking chicken trying to get some corn off of the ground. I tried grabbing his face and leading him into some longer kisses, but he was set in his ways. I had to say, “Goodbye” to that quick and short smoocher. " Stock photo © Vasiliki Varvaki
The Groper"I had a first kiss with a guy who seemed really sweet and genuine. We had a great connection and had talked about a lot of shared passions over dinner. However, the second we started kissing his hands were all over the place. We’re talking Spain, The Netherlands, Antarctica. . . . no land was off-limits. This was our first kiss and we were in front of my car, so needless to say his forwardness was a little too much for me. A little warm-up is necessary before you just Ferdinand Magellan my body!" Stock photo © LittleBee80
Which of these kissing stories did you think was the worst? What’s your worst kissing story? Tell us in the comments!