Ask A Guy: Why Did My Ex Contact Me Out Of The Blue?

Photo Source: Shutterstock

Photo Source: Shutterstock

Hey Joel,

Two years ago I fell in love an American guy while traveling the states and wanted to control the information and eventually make him scared on the just getting to know on another stage. After the second trip in Tokyo to meet and know each other more, we had to agree that we are not right for each other and find ourselves in the world out there, which is in his last email actually. I moved on but after two years, he messaged me on WhatsApp, telling me he just reinstalled it and saw my name and wanted to know how I am doing in this country. 

I wanted to let him know I am no longer available all the time like before so I never text him first. Once a week, he was asking me how things are going on with me, but his text frequency is getting less. Now it’s been a week since he texted me. But whenever he texted me, he seemed to be flirting with me.

It doesn’t seem he wants to be in the serious relationship at all with me but his winking eyes and kissing lips, hearts on the both eyes emoticon he sent to me keeps bothering me. When he sent heart emoticon, I sent an uncomfortable face, and he asked if I am indifferent. I told him that I just don’t send such things to male friends. He said, “Ok, we’ll see if you can control yourself in close contact I guess.”

I am very confused about what he wants to do with me. A few months later, I flew to NYC for a business trip and he wanted me to come meet him. But with this situation, I just do not want to be the night victim. Is he just a bad guy? Just sending texts whenever he wants to talk to me? I am not an answering machine right? The sudden disappearance keeps bothering me.

While the advancements in technology over the past decade have brought many great things into our lives, it has also made the task of booty calls and rekindling one-night-stands easier than ever. The situation you’re describing is extremely common, and it comes down to one simple idea: get it while you can.

Chances are, he was in and out of relationships, and when he found himself single and feeling lonely, he installed the app and looked for anyone he might be able to get more than friendly with. That’s not to say you’re just like any other girl he once tried to date, but the fact is, some guys will reach out to ALL of their single lady-friends in attempt to get some visual stimulation.

Along with that, if he knows there’s the possibility of you coming to his town, he’s just trying to secure a booty call in advance. I’m not saying this is acceptable behavior, but it’s certainly predictable. Even if you’ve set the ground rules of “no nudes” or things like that, it falls on somewhat deaf ears; and as the evening wears on each night, the hope for “just a peek” increases.

This is why he “disappears” from time to time. When he is in the mood to see what he can get, that’s when he reaches out. On many levels, once you fully understand that, the next steps are quite clear.

At the same time, you can’t completely fault him because you’re not being very clear with your intentions. If you want to try to have a serious relationship with him, you need to be forward about it. Each time you respond to him, you’re leaving the door open for another barrage of his more-than-flirting.

If you have no interest in him, just stop responding. It really is that easy. If he can’t take no for an answer, most apps have mute or block buttons – or you can just uninstall the app in question.

Seeing as you already tried things a number of years ago and it didn’t work, along with the fact that you live in different cities, I’d suggest moving on and not responding anymore. Let him know you’re not looking for flirting or anything like that, and go find someone who makes you happy.

Best of luck!


Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube.. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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