What To Do If Your Friend Starts Dating Your Crush

Hi Heather,

So I’ve had a crush on this guy for a year. He’s smart, talented, nice, cute… but I’m pretty sure he was never into me. We’re friends, but not very close. All of my friends knew I had crush on him. About a month ago, I realized that whenever I talk to him, I mess everything up, but when I only see him as a friend, things are better. I told my closest friends that I decided to stop liking him (can you even do that?).

The other day, one of my friends texted me and told me she really likes him, and that she loves being close friends with me but she realized she likes him and has no control over it and wanted to let me know. It was so nice of her to tell me, and I appreciated that of course. Then a week later, I saw on Facebook that they were going on a date. I couldn’t help but feel jealous and sad. I don’t know how to handle this situation because I keep obsessing over it. I don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I’m still jealous and upset. Do you have any advice on what I should do or how I should handle this?

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It’s always a difficult situation when a guy gets in the middle of you and a friend. It sounds like your friend was really trying to do the right thing here by being honest with you. While the situation is less than ideal, she showed that she does value your friendship by telling you the truth before she tried anything with this guy. That was nice of her, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

It seems like you’re trying to be really mature about this whole thing, and it also seems like you told your friend to do what she wants with this guy. That was really big of you. Your decision to let this guy go couldn’t have been easy, but you chose to do it for a reason. Here’s the thing: if you decided to forget about this guy and move on, and you told your friend that she could try something with him, then you kind of have to commit to that decision. At this point, telling your friend that you’ve changed your mind is definitely going to start some sort of problem.

I think you need to talk to your friend. She was honest with you, and so I think you need to be honest with her also. Let her know that you’re trying to support her, but this is also hard for you. Tell her that it hurts to see them together. Maybe she can ease up on things in front of you, since she’s your friend and doesn’t want to hurt you. But please don’t try to act like everything is okay when it’s clearly not. That’s not going to help you!

As you try to move on, distance yourself from these two a bit. Consider taking them off your newsfeed on Facebook. Maybe don’t hang out with everyone if they’ll be there until you feel a little bit better. Distract yourself with other things. One day, you WILL start to feel better about this.

take care,
Heather

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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