Ask A Guy: Does He Really Love Me Or Is He Just Comfortable?

Photo Source: Shutterstock

Photo Source: Shutterstock

Hey Joel,

I have a guy in my life who I’ve been on and off with for 7 years now. We’ve only ever been exclusive BF/GF once when we first met (he currently lives two hours away from me). Every time we get together our chemistry takes the wheel and we can’t keep our hands off each other. The problem is this happened here and there, and he will say the most incredible things like how beautiful I am and how he felt the first time he saw me, how we are perfect for each other, etc., but then he goes two hours back home and barely texts or says much of anything until next time he’s in my town or I’m in his. I’m frustrated because I feel such strong feelings and connection coming from him that I’m certain are real, but why doesn’t he keep in contact with me when we are apart?

When we aren’t together, I constantly think about him and wonder how he’s doing. I guess I just don’t understand how he can say he’s crazy about me and cares, but then never asks how I’m doing or what’s going on in my life. Also an important factor: I’m a virgin. He’s know that since he met me and has always respected that. I’ve told him I want to be in a long term loving relationship before I consider losing my virginity. Another important factor is that he is away in another town going to school. He doesn’t have many friends there and hates the city. Is he just clinging to me because he’s lonely and bored? Does he really truly care about me like he claims? I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to figure him out. Some help would be GREATLY appreciated!

There’s really no way of sugar coating this: you’re a safety net to him. Almost everything you said points directly to him using you as the “if all else fails” option for his social life. While that isn’t necessarily a reason to cut him out of your life, it IS a waste of your energy to pine for him and hope you two will become a couple.

Like it or not, if he is all over you when he’s in town, but completely off the grid when he’s two hours away, you’re little more than convenient when he’s there or basically a welcome escape from the life he doesn’t like elsewhere. If he really wanted to make something happen between the two of you, you’d talk regularly when he wasn’t in town. When you really think about it, along with making it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s being a really bad friend. Good friends don’t drop you completely when they’re not physically around, and that’s something I’d address with him if you want the friendship to last.

If you’re wondering why he’s acting this way, you’ve largely summed it up in that he doesn’t like where he lives and he sounds very lonely. However, he clearly has something going on there to keep his attention there, or he’d be texting and talking to you constantly. I wouldn’t spend too much energy on feeling bad for him, as it’s pretty clear he sees you as a friend and that his desire to be around you is only when he’s away from his “other” life.

But beyond all that, one simple fact remains: after seven years of knowing one another, there’s not much of a question of whether or not you’ll end up together – the answer is NO. He’s had plenty of time to make things more serious with you, and you even had a brief time of seeing one another exclusively. Clearly it’s just not the right forever match for you, and the sooner you can face that truth, the sooner you can get on with your life and find someone that will want to share all of their life with you.

Best of luck!

Joel Freimark has done a lot in life and seen even more. From last minute international travel to bizarre places to writing award winning books, he’s here to bring his wisdom to all your problems. He hosts a weekly advice series on Youtube and a music series also on YouTube.. No question is too outrageous or personal, so go ahead and fire away! Follow him on Twitter.

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Posted in: Ask A Guy, Love Advice
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  • haley

    There’s this guy I like, we’ve been talking for a few weeks, but he has a girlfriend. They are the on off ever week type. I told him how I feel. He is a super jealous type of guy. If he sees other guys commenting on my Instagram, he gets pissed! And if I don’t text back fast enough, he gets mad? But we’re not dating? He tells me he loves me and he wants to come see me when he gets back from vacation and all That, but he has a girlfriend? He says when him and his girlfriend are over, he promises I’ll be next.. What do I do?

    • Think how you would feel if you were said girlfriend! I think he’s using you as a backup plan, maybe things aren’t going too well with his girlfriend atm or things are a little shakey, but he obviously wants to be with her if he hasn’t ended it straight away. He might be concerned she’s going to break up with him and so is keeping you “in line” for when that happens, which is completely unfair for you. Don’t hang onto this guy waiting for when the shoe may or may not drop. Move on and find a guy who doesn’t split his love on 2 girls and instead just focuses on you. At the end of the day relationships tend to end pretty similarly to how they started, and it starting by him leaving another girl for you may well be what he does to end your relationship.