Is It Your Fault Your Boyfriend Is Being Abusive?

Hi Heather,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. Recently, he has been getting to the point where he is physically abusive to me. Instead of apologizing, he says it’s my fault for being a slut. He is also emotionally abusive. It all started when I caught him talking to other girls. When I confronted him, he brought up my ex, who was physically and emotionally abusive also. It took me over three years to get the courage to leave my ex and I stayed for all the wrong reasons. My question is is it my fault my boyfriend is this way? How can I make this different from my last relationship?

domestic abuse

Listen up, because this is really, really important: it is no way your fault that your boyfriend is being abusive towards you. There is nothing you could ever do or say that would warrant physical or emotional abuse. This is his fault entirely. You are absolutely not to blame. There are ways to confront problems in a relationship, and abuse is never one of those ways. Your boyfriend is completely in the wrong here, and your ex-boyfriend was as well.

To answer your second question: there is only one thing you can do to make this different from your last relationship, and that’s to leave this guy now instead of waiting years to do so. There is nothing you can do to stop this abuse from happening or to prevent it from happening. The only person who can do that is your boyfriend, and abusive partners rarely just stop abusing their significant others once they’ve started.

You say you stayed with your ex for the wrong reasons. I’m not sure what those are, but I’m sure there is no better reason to stay with this current boyfriend if he is being physically or emotionally abusive towards you. You do not deserve that treatment. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you and would never hurt you with violence or with words. There is nothing you can do to turn this relationship back into what it once was. The best thing for you is to end it now, before things get even worse. 

I’m so, sorry this is happening to you again. That is terrible, and no one should have to go through that. You said you were strong enough to leave your abusive ex – I am confident that you will be strong enough to leave this boyfriend as well. It is a very hard thing to do, but you’ve already proven your strength. You are worth so much more than this, and you have to channel that inner strength once more to get out of this relationship.

One more note: you mentioned that the abuse started when you confronted about what he was doing with other girls. I want to make it clear that, again, he was in the wrong here and you weren’t. In a healthy relationship, you would be able to bring up your concerns to your boyfriend. This guy was guilty of doing something wrong, and not only did he not even bother to apologize, he also took his anger out on you. That’s completely unacceptable. The fact that he is blaming you for his actions proves that he is completely not worth your time.

If you need help ending this relationship, or if you want someone else to talk to, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or this Domestic Violence Victim hotline at 1-800-621-HOPE (4673). Good luck. 

take care,

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Posted in: Help Me Heather, Love Advice
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